City of Manchester are the soccerball champs!

by A. Lone Chipmunk*

In the weird world of UK soccerball, the First League champions are the City of Manchester team – often known as Man City, because all the players are men. The City play in light blue shirts, except when the shirts are dark red or a kind of muddy grey-green. They are owned by a very rich man from the Middle of East who has bought victory by buying lots of great players and the greatest manager in the history of the great game, Pepito Guardola, playing great soccerball and bringing great joy to the hearts of UK soccerball fans up and down the great nation of United Kingdom.

As is their tradition, the City became soccerball champs without kicking the ball, as their great friends, the United Manchester – who play in red so you can tell the two teams apart – were beaten at home by a team known as the Baggies because of the long shorts they wear. Because of this win by the Baggies, United of Manchester were banned from winning the First League and joy was unconfined over the whole of Manchester and the East of Middle.

You can see how happy the captain of the City was in this video. Vince Company, a Belge-man, was at his wife’s family’s house watching the Baggies win, clustered round an iPhone. The whole family was very happy, especially the United of Manchester fan in the red shirt, whose name is Sharp:

And, as we know with Soccerball, it will all start again very very soon:

* As told to Bat Womb Tech.

 

60 Comments

  1. Merilee
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    Huh??

    • Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:32 am | Permalink

      To decode for you Merilee:

      Manchester City (who are owned by vastly wealthy middle easterners) have been confirmed as Premier League Football Champions for season 2017-8 and the reason for it being confirmed at this stage is that Manchester United lost at home to West Bromwich Albion (nicknamed The Baggies), which meant that Manchester City’s lead at the top of the table cannot now be overturned.

      • Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:38 am | Permalink

        MATTHEW’s TEAM!!!!

        duh!

        😉

        • Saul Sorrell-Till
          Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:29 am | Permalink

          Matthew’s a City fan or a United fan?

          • Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:51 am | Permalink

            Is Matthew a City or a United fan? There’s an easy and foolproof test. Has Matthew ever been within 500 miles of the city of Manchester? If yes–then he cannot (by law) be a Man United fan.

            • Saul Sorrell-Till
              Posted April 16, 2018 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

              Haha, good one. We United supporters of course find such good natured joshing most amusing, and certainly do not begrudge our neighbours their jokes at our expense. In fact we have gone out of our way to acknowledge the excellent football played by Guardiola and his team of cheating, overpriced, diving, moaning divas.

              • Posted April 17, 2018 at 7:06 am | Permalink

                his team of cheating, overpriced, diving, moaning divas.

                Says a supporter of the team that sometimes lets Marouane Fellaini onto a football pitch with 21 human beings who all have wives and families to support.

              • Saul Sorrell-Till
                Posted April 17, 2018 at 9:48 am | Permalink

                We can’t stop him. He plants himself there a week before the match, and by the time the game comes around his roots have spread too thoroughly for anyone else to play in his stead.

              • TJR
                Posted April 17, 2018 at 10:47 am | Permalink

                Given how much money the top 6 teams have, its amazing that megadonkeys like Fellaini and Bakayoko get on the pitch.

                Its got to be a betting scam…..

          • David Duncan
            Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:56 am | Permalink

            Matthew has previously confessed to being a City fan.

          • Posted April 17, 2018 at 7:35 am | Permalink

            As HelenaHandbasket says – City!!!

      • Merilee
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:43 am | Permalink

        Thanks, Thomas. Soccer/football is actually the only sport I sort of follow. I’m a big Barça fan. I do even know who Kompany (spelled Company here.?)is, but was just confused by the East of Middle and soccerball locutions, which I’m assuming are all tongue-in-cheek?

    • Neil Wolfe
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:31 am | Permalink

      As an American, I have to assume they are making fun of me somehow.

  2. mikeyc
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:29 am | Permalink

    Belge-man? Them’s fighting words.

    Both Kompany and De Bruyne are from Belgium which makes them Belch, I’ll have you know.

    • Mark Sturtevant
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

      At first I read it as ‘Beige-Man’, and I thought it rather odd. Probable, and yet odd.

  3. steve oberski
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:30 am | Permalink

    Channeling Philomena Cunk ?

    • Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:38 am | Permalink

      More the other way around…!

  4. freiner
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:37 am | Permalink

    Boy that Jon Lovitz guy sure talks fast. That is Jon Lovitz, isn’t it?

    • Ken Kukec
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:43 am | Permalink

      Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  5. Ken Kukec
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:39 am | Permalink

    Can’t say I’m more than a passing footy fan, but ever since reading Bill Buford’s Among the Thugs, the fans from Manchester (although it was primarily Manchester United fans, as I recall) have held a vivid spot in my imagination.

  6. Randall Schenck
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    Have to kind of agree with that second video. Somewhat like the mad or crazy fans on this side of the water and their football. We have at least two sports that cause this madness so it may be worse here.

  7. Richard Bond
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    Ther are many good reasons why I prefer Rugby.

  8. Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:44 am | Permalink

    The real tragedy of UK soccerball is that they don’t have a World Series like the US, which brings teams from as far apart as New York and Baltimore to play rounders (or base-ball) together in peace and harmony.

    • infiniteimprobabilit
      Posted April 17, 2018 at 4:34 am | Permalink

      Yeah, they have to settle for the occasional friendly match with minor teams from Italy or Germany or Spain…

      cr

      • Posted April 17, 2018 at 7:10 am | Permalink

        To quote Henning Wehn, England – Germany is always a big match, although for Germany there are usually bigger matches to follow.

  9. Posted April 16, 2018 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    Football…English…Football American…not football at all…

  10. Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    In the weird world of UK soccerball, the First League champions are the City of Manchester team – often known as Man City, because all the players are men.

    More than that. Real men. Because they live in the North.

    Not quite as manly as Newcastle, of course, because they are not quite as northern. And they wear shirts even when it’s not snowing.

  11. Neil Wolfe
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:20 am | Permalink

    Mexico vs. Portugal

  12. barriejohn
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:21 am | Permalink

    Since Glaziers(sic) took over Manchester United, there has been an “F.C. United of Manchester” team playing in the lower leagues. At least they’re supported by Mancunians – the big joke here being that Manchester United fans live anywhere other than in that city, especially in the Far East! The Mitchell and Webb sketch says it all, really. I posted this link at the Freethinker the other day:

    https://www.alternet.org/noam-chomsky-why-americans-know-so-much-about-sports-so-little-about-world-affairs

  13. Saul Sorrell-Till
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    This is no time for jokes. Some of us are truly suffering at the moment. I have to avert my gaze at the back pages of all newspapers for at least the next week, and avoid any mention of football on the TV. I can’t go to my favourite football websites because they’re all plastered with grinning City players.
    It’s all very well to mock but remember that there are real, human victims caught up in all this, who’ve had to watch our own team play appallingly all season, while our neighbours play scintillating football with some of the best young players on earth, and win the league by a country mile. Have a heart please.

    • Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:32 am | Permalink

      Saul wins the thread – BWT

      • Dave
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 11:49 am | Permalink

        Saul, I feel your pain. I’m an Everton fan, and we’ve played even more appallingly all season. And to twist the knife even deeper, I have a horrible feeling that our red neighbours across the park are going to walk off with the Champions League. Please, someone make it stop!

        • Saul Sorrell-Till
          Posted April 16, 2018 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

          And they have a very good run at winning the CL too what with Real and Bayern Munich playing one another in the semi finals. It’s a horrible prospect. I’d have to hermitise myself for the whole summer.

    • David Duncan
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:01 pm | Permalink

      United were just beaten by the bottom club – West Bromwich Albion.

      I was very pleased for both reasons, although I doubt if WBA have a prayer of staying up.

      • Saul Sorrell-Till
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 1:03 pm | Permalink

        Yes. We were beaten by the bottom club. But United are still second, ahead of Liverpool and Spurs, who’ve both been playing brilliantly, and only one place behind a City team that has been bordering on supernatural. And United have been playing terribly all season while still accruing enough to end up 2nd. So in terms of room for improvement I’d say our competitors, Chelsea aside, have very little room for improvement, while we have loads of room for improvement. If you look at it that way* Utd are in a decent position for next season.

        *I really have to look at it that way.

        • infiniteimprobabilit
          Posted April 17, 2018 at 4:38 am | Permalink

          Ah, that reminds me of the old tagline –
          “We’re not surrounded, we’re in a target-rich environment”

          cr

      • Ross
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 4:25 pm | Permalink

        Don’t worry – Wolves will keep your place in the premiership warm (for 10 or more seasons!!)

    • Geoff Toscano
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

      Have some sympathy. I’m a Sunderland supporter!

      • dale
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:29 pm | Permalink

        We’ll be playing you next year then. QPR all the way to mediocrity.

        • dale
          Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

          Brain fart. Condolences and all our hopes for a speedy recovery. hopefully you will be up again in a years time.

      • Saul Sorrell-Till
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

        I have great sympathy, since you have now been inflicted with David Moyes, a supernatural curse in human form.

        • David Duncan
          Posted April 16, 2018 at 3:26 pm | Permalink

          Moyes should certainly have stayed at Everton. He might even still be there if he had.

  14. Posted April 16, 2018 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

    James Joyce returns!

  15. A. Habichdobinger
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 1:34 pm | Permalink

    But no triple for City this year. Pep Guardiola’s men are out of the UEFA Champions League.

  16. tej
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    I wish Americans were a little less derogatory of the world’s most popular sport.Calling it soccerball and weird in the same sentence is appalling for a person of Jerry’s caliber.
    Also saying that they won without kicking the ball shows utter ignorance of the concept of club football in Europe. Practice what you preach – dont write on topics which are outside your area of expertise.

    (On a different note, I am an Arsenal supporter 😦 )

    • Saul Sorrell-Till
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

      I think it was self-deprecatingly referencing American ignorance about football. I didn’t read it as derogatory at all.

    • Posted April 16, 2018 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

      You can be absolutely sure that I had nothing to do with this post. tej, your comments are completely out of line; this was a satirical post written by someone who knows a LOT about soccer (or football or whatever). I think you owe me an apology.

      –Professor Ceiling Cat (Emeritus)

    • Posted April 16, 2018 at 3:18 pm | Permalink

      Umm. I would have thought that it was pretty obvious it was a joke. Maybe not funny, but a joke. Maybe you have a Wenger-esque view of reality (“penalty? what penalty?”). Here are some hints:
      a) The byline. Clue 1: It’s an anagram. Clue 2: It’s an anagram of Jerry’s favourite UK comedienne…
      b) The title. City of Manchester?
      c) “Man City because the players are all men”?!
      d) Try clicking on the Soccerball link. You can get very cross as you read down, just like Gary Linneker did when he didn’t get the joke, either.
      I have been a City supporter for 55 years, so am quite content with our current position.

      Bat Womb Tech (another anagram).

      • John Frum
        Posted April 16, 2018 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

        You’d have to be Inspector Morse to understand this post.

      • Posted April 17, 2018 at 7:17 am | Permalink

        He’s an Arsenal supporter, like me. It’s difficult, as an Arsenal supporter, to find anything to laugh about this season (except hysterically).

    • Steve
      Posted April 16, 2018 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

      I too am an Arsenal supporter.

      My pet peeve is the word soccer; everywhere but in North America is a game played mostly with feet called football. Here it’s ass backwards – a game played mostly with the hands (throwing and catching) dares to call itself football! Somewhat silly.

      • Posted April 17, 2018 at 7:18 am | Permalink

        Here it’s ass backwards

        I’d pay to see that game.

        • Posted April 17, 2018 at 12:32 pm | Permalink

          Just what we need, a way to create *more* concussive injuries.

          On the other hand, maybe it would reduce them – if people can’t run as fast backwards.

          • Posted April 19, 2018 at 3:39 am | Permalink

            Also, collisions are less likely to involve the head.

  17. Jonathan Dore
    Posted April 16, 2018 at 4:37 pm | Permalink

    David Mitchell encapsulates the awful inescapability of football in Britain. If you want a vision of Britain’s future, imagine a boot kicking a ball – forever.

  18. infiniteimprobabilit
    Posted April 17, 2018 at 4:29 am | Permalink

    What is this weird game ‘soccerball’ of which you speak?

    I know of Association Football (also known properly as just ‘football’ or colloquially as ‘soccer’) but I have never heard of any game called ‘soccerball’.

    However I did disgrace myself recently by averring that the safest answer to any soccer trivia question was almost always ‘Manchester United’. It turns out my immediate companions were Arsenal supporters. 😦

    cr

  19. Posted April 17, 2018 at 5:01 am | Permalink

    Thank you for the wonderfully amusing posting, even if it praised the wrong team in the wrong league in the wrong country when it comes to soccerball.

  20. John Ottaway
    Posted April 17, 2018 at 7:04 am | Permalink

    The “City of Manchester Team” are correctly known as “Citeh”

    (Mancunian for “City”)

  21. gravelinspector-Aidan
    Posted April 19, 2018 at 3:12 pm | Permalink

    I am glad to say that my Games Master’s beatings were in vain, and I still didn’t understand that.


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