This is not the review you’re looking for (no spoilers)

by Grania

(This is completely spoiler-free)

This is not a review of The Last Jedi, that will come in a day or so, it’s just a point-and-roll-eyes at an op ed in io9 titled “I Need to Talk About Luke’s Beverage in The Last Jedi“.  The author writes that this scene was ” truly disturbing, and in the worst possible way.”

Luke traumatizes an entire generation with his milk-drinking

You see, at a certain rambling dialogue-free sequence, Luke milks a space-cow and then takes a swig of space-milk from a space-bottle.

I know.

Wait until the poor writer finds out about cows. Or mammals of the female persuasion.

Actually, what really bothers the writer is that the space-cows when on land and not in the sea tend to the vertical rather than horizontal, like our quadrupedal bovines are wont to do; which makes their udders slightly less udder-like and slightly more breast-like.

This is why we don’t find bonobos in the zoo, ladies and gentlemen: it is too much of a reminder that we humans are mammals.

 

[Edit: now we know why it’s the worst thing you can call someone in Skyrim]

 

 

 

31 Comments

  1. GBJames
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:12 pm | Permalink

    Then, there’s The Onion’s review.

    No spoilers, and likely to be much enjoyed by readers of this site.

    • bric
      Posted December 22, 2017 at 5:29 am | Permalink

      Thanks, that’s truly in the spirit of Xmas

  2. Charles Sawicki
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:12 pm | Permalink

    Cute, never thought about the lack of Bonobos. They are just too busy!

  3. Janet
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:20 pm | Permalink

    There are bonobos at the San Diego Zoo and the San Diego Zoo Safari Park.

    • Simon Hayward
      Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:51 pm | Permalink

      There certainly are, and they are exactly as closely related to us as chimps, which are in lots of zoos

    • Posted December 20, 2017 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

      “Mommy, they are doing what you and daddy were doing!”

      • gravelinspector-Aidan
        Posted December 21, 2017 at 2:47 pm | Permalink

        Mommy, they’e doing what Daddy and the housemaid do!

        • E.A. Blair
          Posted December 22, 2017 at 6:46 pm | Permalink

          “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus…and the milkman…and the mailman…and the Avon Lady…”

  4. jaxkayaker
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:43 pm | Permalink

    Bonobos at the Jacksonville Zoo also.

  5. GBJames
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:48 pm | Permalink

    There are bonobos in the Milwaukee County Zoo, too. A few years back a baby was born to the group.

    • Posted December 20, 2017 at 4:16 pm | Permalink

      ” Currently, the Milwaukee County Zoo has one of the largest captive bonobo collections.

      Collections! i suppose they are but i prefer
      primate cousins and if this is how they describe them in the media, as collections, Grania has a point i think.

  6. Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:56 pm | Permalink

    It is one of my favourite sports, reminding people and myself, we are are a (relatively speaking) hairless ape.

  7. Posted December 20, 2017 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

    I came across someone who was disgusted because they had assumed the space cow was male.

    • Pierluigi Ballabeni
      Posted December 21, 2017 at 3:51 am | Permalink

      Are there any space bulls as well or are space cows parthenogenetic?

  8. Ken Kukec
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 4:21 pm | Permalink

    This is why we don’t find bonobos in the zoo, ladies and gentlemen: it is too much of a reminder that we humans are mammals.

    That’s why we do it like they do on the Discovery Channel:

    • Alpha Neil
      Posted December 20, 2017 at 5:14 pm | Permalink

      This deserves bonus points because that song is from an album called “Horray for Boobies”.

  9. jhs
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

    🙂

    • Heather Hastie
      Posted December 20, 2017 at 8:53 pm | Permalink

      +1 😀

      Love it Grania!!!

      • BJ
        Posted December 20, 2017 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

        Sci-fi, fantasy, and videogames. Grania is my kind of lady!

        • BJ
          Posted December 20, 2017 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

          And she doesn’t suffer bullshit lightly 🙂

  10. Posted December 20, 2017 at 5:40 pm | Permalink

    I had students who would ask me if we were animals, or if we were really apes. They were not too happy with my answer.

  11. Darren Garrison
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 6:29 pm | Permalink

    This is what the green milk (henceforth known as “grilk”) dispensers look like, for those who haven’t seen the movie.

    https://imgur.com/a/655kE

  12. lkr
    Posted December 20, 2017 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    I grew up on a dairy farm. Mixed herd of mostly Holstein Frisian [aka black-and-white battle cows] and a few mostly-brown Guernseys and Jerseys. Once had a couple of Brown Swiss, but they were soon hamburger.

    Always fun explaining to naïve city cousins that there were separate teats for homogenized, pasteurized and cream, and that the chocolate milk came exclusively from our Jerseys.

    Since human breast-feeding had been pretty well expunged from the US in the 50s, few of my younger cousins were aware of the homologs to the cows’ udders, and if they did, would probably be grossed out by the thought of human milk.

    o tempore o more….

    • BJ
      Posted December 20, 2017 at 10:20 pm | Permalink

      Wait, battle cows? Please tell me they’re called that because they were once/can be used in battle.

      • lkr
        Posted December 20, 2017 at 11:23 pm | Permalink

        There was a terrible run of barbarian/sword-and-sandal movies in the ’50s, generally starring Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis… Near the end of the cycle they released THE FREISIANS. The movie sank out of sight in most venues, but was held over in the single theater in my Frisian-Dutch home town. I didn’t see the movie, but the posters led me to imagine the trailer “THE FRISIANS — riding into battle on their fearsome black-and-white battle cows… With their spine-tingling battle cry ‘Baas, Baas”. [The cow-calling I heard every morning from neighboring farms.]

        Brain worm — it’s been with me for 60 years.

        • Ken Kukec
          Posted December 21, 2017 at 7:43 am | Permalink

          I’m not recalling offhand Burt Lancaster starring in any sword-and-sandal epics from the ’50s (Burt being more of a swashbuckler-type). Tony Curtis did costar with Burt’s old running-buddy Kirk Douglas in Stanley Kubrick’s Spartacus. TC also did a turn as a Cossack in the film version of Nikolai Gogol’s short story Taras Bulba.

          • lkr
            Posted December 21, 2017 at 11:28 am | Permalink

            Yes, I meant Kirk Douglas — but I never saw any of the movies and particularly wasn’t interested in this sword-and-wooden-shoe variant.

            Did see a chunk of the John Wayne version of Genghis Khan on tv, though.

    • Pierluigi Ballabeni
      Posted December 21, 2017 at 3:58 am | Permalink

      Come on, the best chocolate milk can only come out of Brown Swiss!!!

  13. Posted December 20, 2017 at 9:01 pm | Permalink

    FTA: “Depending on how you look at it, Luke was either trying to drive Rey away by being weird as hell”

    I don’t think this is a spoiler because it is right near the start of the film, but that is exactly what Luke was trying to do.

    • BJ
      Posted December 20, 2017 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

      One gets the feeling the author doesn’t remember much from Empire, nor really give a shit about Star Wars beyond its capacity to drive clicks for his articles and act as yet another way to produce more scrap for the culture war heap.

  14. Posted December 22, 2017 at 9:17 am | Permalink

    Yuk. That must be like yak milk.


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