Yes, I got groped again

It’s inevitable. When I went through the See-You-Naked Machine at O’Hare, the dreaded Yellow Patch showed up on my left wrist (a watch) and also. . . yes, you guessed it, the part of the body that Yiddish speakers call the tuchas.  The TSA man asked me if I wanted a “private screening”, and I knew this was going to be, well, intimate. I eschewed the private screening, whereupon the security guy not only groped both port and starboard of the tuchas, but also ran his hands up the inside of my thighs until he could go no further.

I have no idea what where this yellow rump patch comes from (please don’t suggest, as someone did last time, that I have a disease of the nether parts: a Dire Rear); but it always causes trouble.

And so it goes.

Yep, this is pretty much me:

48 Comments

  1. Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:27 pm | Permalink

    TSA = touch some ar5e!

    And yours certainly has that joie de vivre, Jerry 😂

    • David Duncan
      Posted September 2, 2017 at 6:36 pm | Permalink

      Testicle Squeezing Authority.
      Tit Squeezing Authority.

      I’d rather starve than do this job for a living.

  2. toniclark2014
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:34 pm | Permalink

    Jerry, Don’t you have TSA Pre-Check? Might be worth it. If you already do, then this seems way out of line. I’ve just gotten a Nexus pass, which includes TSA Pre-Check and should also facilitate crossing of all US-Canada borders and flying into Montreal (YUL), which I often do. (Cheaper to fly to/from Europe from Montreal than from Vermont.)

    • GBJames
      Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

      I signed up for TSA Pre-Check hoping that it would make my life easier. Didn’t help much. The artifical hip translates into pat-down sessions. But at least I can keep my shoes on.

      • Bob Barber
        Posted September 3, 2017 at 7:47 am | Permalink

        I have the same problem with both knees being replaced. At age 79, they still require me to take my shoes off. Going from Germany to Ireland and back last month, I was not required to remove my shoes. Seems that may be one more US indignity for old people.

    • Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:46 pm | Permalink

      Yes, I do have pre-check, but I’m flying LOT Airlines and they don’t put pre-check on your boarding pass. Policy. I’m not even sure there’s pre-check at the International Terminal here, but I did ask when reserving and they said, “No, we don’t put that on boarding passes.”

      • toniclark2014
        Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

        Yeah, I have just found out that 37 airlines participate in TSA Pre-Check. Alitalia, on which I’m flying next month, is not one of them.

    • Posted September 6, 2017 at 6:32 pm | Permalink

      I travel pretty frequently both domestically and internationally. Often, I don’t even see a pre-check line open. My home airport is JFK and I’d say that there’s a pre-check line open maybe 60-70% of the time. I’ve considered Global Entry as well (which gives you TSA pre-check), but frankly, I’m rarely inconvenienced by the wait times and going through the whole application process seems more onerous than the benefits. I flew out of London last week and waltzed through bag check and security in less than 20 minutes, which resulted in having 2.5 hours to kill before boarding. Also…the United States should stop the absurd shoe removal process that was implemented thanks to one failed attempt at setting off a bomb…I don’t see this done anywhere else.

      • rickflick
        Posted September 6, 2017 at 6:40 pm | Permalink

        I was wondering about that shoe thing too. Maybe they keep it going so as to make it harder for you to run away if they catch you with a overly sharpened pencil. 😉

        • toniclark2014
          Posted September 6, 2017 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

          Ha ha. Pretty funny. But of course, you can’t run away or your pants would fall down because you don’t have your belt on. . . . 😉

          • rickflick
            Posted September 6, 2017 at 7:43 pm | Permalink

            True. 👖

        • Posted September 7, 2017 at 7:41 am | Permalink

          Let’s all just be thankful that it wasn’t the underwear bomber rather than the shoe bomber…

          • rickflick
            Posted September 7, 2017 at 11:38 am | Permalink

            Thank Ceiling Cat!

  3. Teresa Carson
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:35 pm | Permalink

    Haven’t you gotten your Global Pass yet? Or are your just being randomly searched? I’m going to my Global Pass interview next month. It’s $85 and gets you TSA pre-check + a quicker trip through customs. It’s good for five years. Go for it! Safe travels and give Hili a snuggle for me.

    • Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:47 pm | Permalink

      I got pre-check and forgot that I should have paid the extra bucks and gotten the combination. So I have four years of pre-check and no global entry.

  4. Ron
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:53 pm | Permalink

    Unfortunately there’s no tsa pre check at the international terminal at O’Hare.

  5. rickflick
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    Good thing to realize, this will all end soon. As soon as the Afgan war is over. 😎

  6. Randy schenck
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    So are you and the TSA guy engaged now. Just kidding…

  7. Joseph Carrion
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 5:26 pm | Permalink

    Jerry, I’m sorry you have to go through a procedures like that!

  8. Ken Kukec
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 5:46 pm | Permalink

    I’d never suggest you have any kind of disease (but some Gold Bond medicated talc might clear that up for you).

    Which reminds me of Mark (son of Kurt) Vonnegut’s description of a persistent fungus he kept almost like a pet in The Eden Express. Weird, the things buried in one’s memory. I haven’t thought of that passage in, I dunno, 40 years?

  9. starskeptic
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 5:49 pm | Permalink

    Your description leaves me aroused…and frightened…

    • Ken Kukec
      Posted September 2, 2017 at 6:09 pm | Permalink

      Jerry’s the EL James of airport erotica. 🙂

  10. arizonajones
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 6:27 pm | Permalink

    Don’t kid yourself. The TSA is an agency of the Department of Homeland Security. They can always go further.

  11. Posted September 2, 2017 at 6:53 pm | Permalink

    I have a sacral nerve stimulator in my back and I am a wheelchair user so I have been cavity searched several times at the airport. It’s gross and wrong in my opinion.

    • Posted September 2, 2017 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

      “Cavity searched”? – Calling BS on this one… Only prisons do “cavity searches”…

  12. Posted September 2, 2017 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    …they just thought you just trying to smuggle Honey out in your back pocket.
    No, i did pay for that flippant comment, the photo NEARLY put me off my bacon muffin…

  13. Diana MacPherson
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 7:09 pm | Permalink

    Jesus, I hope that ass patch makes you bionic. I don’t know what you’d do with a bionic ass, but it must be better than a regular one!

  14. docbill1351
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Hey, your students didn’t call you “Old Iron Pants” for nothing!

  15. Stephen Mynett
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 7:44 pm | Permalink

    I realise how important security is but it is a shame that so many security staff are so miserable, arrogant and generally nasty, with London Heathrow about the worst I have been through. Luckily there are a lot of good airports as well.

    My last trip via Heathrow, I have stopped using it, I did, as I always do, warn the security guy that my replacement knee would set the alarm off, a big mistake as I then had a very nasty lecture on how he had a job to do, that security was a major issue and I should accept it. When I pointed out that I was only saying it to try to be helpful he replied: “Well you weren’t”. Heathrow responded to my complaint by saying their staff get a lot of abuse and so I should expect them to be up tight.

    On the other side of the coin. Going through Tegel in Berlin, I informed the guy about my knee and the alarm and his response was great, he smiled and said: “Good job you told me or I might have shot you.” And they accuse the Germans of having no sense of humour.

    On one trip we got quite badly delayed by the weather and a group of us got chatting about airports and it was interesting that Heathrow seems to be generally regarded as one of the most unpleasant in terms of staff, although many of the US airports were mentioned as well, on those I cannot comment as I have not been there. What was interesting was that all of us agreed we would try to help staff in airports like Changi, Zürich, most of the time, most German airports, except Frankfurt, plus quite I few other I cannot remember but we were unanimous in offering no help at Heathrow, many of us to the point that we would look the other way and refuse to give evidence if we saw one of their staff attacked, that sounds callous but when you have a disability and are routinely insulted by a group of people you tend to think bad of all of them, it is a pity those who run Heathrow and other airports do not think about things like this when they train and brief their staff.

    • Laurance
      Posted September 2, 2017 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

      I’m an old geezer now, due to turn 76 this coming Wednesday, and I have no desire to try to fly anywhere.

      I have not judt one, but two of what I call, “my brass knees”. If I go into the government office building I have to go through a metal detector. But I haven’t set an alarm off yet. (Now, that was with one brass knee. I got the second just this past February, so maybe things will change since I have more metal in me.)

      If a titanium knee replacement will set an alarm off in the airport, does this mean that they have more sensitive instruments at airports than at pokey government buildings in central PA?

      • Derec Avery
        Posted September 3, 2017 at 7:21 am | Permalink

        “If a titanium knee replacement will set an alarm off in the airport, does this mean that they have more sensitive instruments at airports than at pokey government buildings in central PA?”

        No, they generally use the same equipment. The difference is is that airport “security” has their equipment sensitivity cranked up to the highest level possible to give them more excuses to grope paying passengers.

    • infiniteimprobabilit
      Posted September 3, 2017 at 1:54 am | Permalink

      Well, I don’t fly through Heathrow (I fly through Charles de Gaulle instead, though if heading to UK the security/immigration on Eurostar at Gare du Nord is probably almost as bad as Heathrow); and I never, ever, will fly through the USA while it’s possible to traverse the other side of the world instead.

      (Incidentally, I was asked fewer questions arriving in Russia than I was when trying to board Eurostar for London!)

      Since I have several ‘devices’ (laptop, 2 phones, camera & charger) and pockets full of coins and pens I usually take some time to unload myself into trays at the security screening and even longer to put myself back together after. I just take as long as it takes. But I usually find the security staff, whether in France, Dubai, Australia or China to be quite reasonable and polite. Top marks to the security screener at Sydney airport who randomly went over my bag with an explosives sniffer and, when our accompanying eight-year-old demanded to be screened as well, he solemnly fitted a new detector strip in his gadget and repeated the procedure for her benefit.

      cr

      • rickflick
        Posted September 3, 2017 at 6:59 am | Permalink

        “repeated the procedure for her benefit.”

        See? They do care. 😎

  16. Warren Johnson
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 8:22 pm | Permalink

    Hi Jerry,

    This sounds like an interesting scientific problem. There seems to be something objectively anomalous in the images of your person. So something physical. (What is a yellow patch, and what causes it?)

    You could view this as a challenge, and spend some of your retirement time finding out why your body produce these images. First empirical question: does the anomaly reproduce in scanners not controlled by the TSA? Second question: Wikipedia says there are two different physical types of whole-body scanner: one uses back-scattered X-rays; and the the other uses millimeter electromagnetic waves. Further investigations could ensue.

    Keep us posted.

  17. Liz
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 9:10 pm | Permalink

    I think it’s technically farther.

  18. Posted September 2, 2017 at 9:49 pm | Permalink

    Would it be better if he was a sexy lady? 😛

  19. Ullrich Fischer
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 9:49 pm | Permalink

    Maybe someone surreptitiously implanted a metal plate in your ass when you were under for (say) a wisdom tooth removal. Maybe the illuminati are tracking your every move with a gps tracker that shows up that way on the airport scanner. 🙂

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted September 2, 2017 at 10:41 pm | Permalink

      Or some notorious secret society is using Jerry’s ass to transmit secret messages to aliens. Or communists. Maybe ISIS.

  20. Kevin
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    I’ve had my left should checked about fifteen times. No other body part.

    I did have a quarter inch of my left clavicle removed; I can’t imagine there’s a correlation.

  21. Posted September 2, 2017 at 10:34 pm | Permalink

    Millimeter RF scanners have a notoriously high false positive rate. I have experienced “secondary screening” because of perspiration walking briskly between terminals.
    Global Entry or TSA Pre status is NOT a 100% guarantee of being able to get TSA Pre on your boarding pass. Read the conditions… I am Global Entry, but recently my boarding pass issued overseas on a US carrier did not have TSA Pre printed on it and I had to go through the “normal line” No idea why…

  22. Beth Purkhiser
    Posted September 2, 2017 at 11:02 pm | Permalink

    I got groped the last time I flew. The woman groping me was way more embarrassed about it than I was. I found her discomfort hugely amusing for some reason.

  23. Posted September 3, 2017 at 2:24 am | Permalink

    Jerry, there must be something wrong with your pants. Did you try changing them?

  24. Posted September 3, 2017 at 2:52 am | Permalink

    Perhaps you should dress less provocatively.

  25. Kevin
    Posted September 3, 2017 at 6:51 am | Permalink

    I have a large (30cm) woven, titanium stent in my aorta which hasn’t set off the metal detectors yet. I usually warn security first.

    Maybe Trump could use the border grope test as a deterrent against immigration instead of building a wall. I understand that he has extensive hands on practical experience of the subject

  26. jay
    Posted September 3, 2017 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    Funny thing is that I once got through security with a hunting style knife accidentally in my jacket pocket (I had switched jackets at the last minute and forgotten that I had used it for yard work months previous).

    ‘mazin!

  27. Bob Barber
    Posted September 3, 2017 at 7:52 am | Permalink

    Some on television has a suggestion for the pat down at air terminals. He suggested that one tell the TSA agent that you are gay and that being patted down by a male agent excites you. Could you please have a female agent for the pat down?

  28. David Coxill
    Posted September 3, 2017 at 11:42 am | Permalink

    I read Private Screening as Private Screaming .
    There was a sitcom on BBC tv a few years back set in an Airport ,in one scene a man is having a pat down from another man ,a airport official appears and asks him what is he doing as he does not even work at the airport ,the patter downer runs for it.

  29. Posted September 5, 2017 at 4:18 am | Permalink

    Anyone in favor of racial profiling now?

    When has TSA ever detected anything of importance anyway, like a gun or bomb?


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