If God really existed, this is what the Bible would have said

While we’re waiting for the Big News, here’s a nice pair of tw**ts (is that obscene?):

h/t: Barry


  1. Posted May 19, 2017 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    I say verily, do not proceed on foot with haste if thou wields a sharp implement especially for renting papyrus asunder.

    • Colin McLachlan
      Posted May 20, 2017 at 4:59 am | Permalink


  2. Randall Schenck
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 1:27 pm | Permalink

    And the wise man sayeth, pray in this hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.

  3. Harrison
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 1:47 pm | Permalink

    To be a pedant, telling people what to do without explaining why is likely to lead to behavior like crapping in the river then rinsing your hands in the water you just crapped in.

    • Xuuths
      Posted May 22, 2017 at 4:22 pm | Permalink

      Even that would have been an improvement for most people’s lives.

  4. BJ
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

    Hilarious! This would make a great new trend.

    How about Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who have the most money and power, and those who have been called according to how loud they shout their outrage.

    Galatians 5:22-23: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law…unless you’re one of those gross gay people.

    John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come to do the same, and inspire others to do it for me.

  5. Phil Garnock-Jones
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:19 pm | Permalink

    But the fishes of the sea and the birds of the air cried out in their agony, “Oh God we need proteins and amino acids, and in thy wisdom thou hast made nitrogen the commonest element of the air, yet given us not the power to fix it”. And God saw their pain, and created nitrogen-fixing bacteria, Rhizobium and Anabaena he created them both. And to lentils and chick-peas and all their kind, he gave the power of nodulation. And God saw that it was not really very good, but probably OK as a workaround.

    • Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:37 pm | Permalink


    • Anna
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:40 pm | Permalink


    • Samedi
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

      Very good.

    • Torbjörn Larsson
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:41 pm | Permalink
      • Torbjörn Larsson
        Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:42 pm | Permalink



    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 6:59 pm | Permalink

      but probably OK as a workaround.

      If we clubbed together, do you think that we’d able to get G*d a round tuit?
      But how would we deliver it?

  6. Kevin
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:34 pm | Permalink

    ‘All things are made of atoms — little particles that move around in perpetual motion, attracting each other when they are a little distance apart, but repelling upon being squeezed into one another.’

    Feynman (i.e., God)

    Would have been helpful with any provincial ancient religious text.

    • Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:47 pm | Permalink

      Actually…it’s not particles; it’s waves. What superficially looks like a pointlike electron (or any other) particle is actually a wave in the electron (etc.) field. The fields are coupled, and a God diagram…er…Feynman diagram…can help you understand the interactions of those fields.

      …but that’s just so much useless gobbledygook until you’ve got some really advanced technology, like particle accelerators.

      A much better physics introduction would be on entropy. It’s a statistical count of the microscopic states that are macroscopically indistinguishable. What you think of as energy is really a state of low entropy — as it must be, since energy is never created nor destroyed. Time, too, is entirely a function of entropy.

      Add a bit of Newton to that, and you’re golden….



  7. Posted May 19, 2017 at 2:38 pm | Permalink

    Believe only in proportion to the strength of the evidence. If the evidence can’t be independently verified, it can’t be trusted. When in doubt, stay in doubt. The rest you can derive from this starting point.

    …but, then, of course, it wouldn’t be religion, but science….



  8. Posted May 19, 2017 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    …. and then He set upon populating the land with animals, the skies with birds and nasty little insects that laid their eggs inside the bodies of other species so their young could eat them from the inside out.

    • Filippo
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:46 pm | Permalink

      I wonder if Christian fundamentalists hold that the “nasty little insects” weren’t made until after the sinning of Adam and Eve.

      • gravelinspector-Aidan
        Posted May 19, 2017 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

        If we turn over enough rocks, I’m sure we can find a fundy eejit who does hold that opinion.
        Poor rocks, having such unstable footing. Does nobody think of the rocks?

        • Colin McLachlan
          Posted May 20, 2017 at 5:03 am | Permalink

          Apart from you?

          • gravelinspector-Aidan
            Posted May 20, 2017 at 11:55 am | Permalink

            I will admit to occasionally beating rocks with a hammer, for my self-gratification and to free the specimens (mineral, fossil, structural)

      • Posted May 20, 2017 at 6:33 am | Permalink

        Some Christian fundamentalists have seriously told me such things.

      • Posted May 21, 2017 at 4:46 pm | Permalink

        Then they would lying would they not, it was all over in six days according to the good book. ID’ners might have different take, but that would confirm what we suspect if HE/SHE was real, HE/SHE is an evil little bustard.

  9. Scote
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

    “Washeth thou thine hands after thee takest a dump.”

    And some instructions for making soap…

    Also, don’t let waste get into your drinking water…

    The bible, as it is, is about as useless a collection of how tos one could possibly assemble.

  10. DrBrydon
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 3:20 pm | Permalink

    I know the argument has been made that various deities didn’t share advanced knowledge because their minions would have been too ignorant to understand. But if god or Jesus existed, and really knew stuff, they could have just said wash your hands and cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze. After all, god said don’t eat pork, and people are still suffering with no understanding why.

    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 7:03 pm | Permalink

      After all, god said don’t eat pork, and people are still suffering with no understanding why.

      Let me guess … the g*d that said that was a pig?

  11. Mark Perew
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 3:42 pm | Permalink

    Deuteronomy 23

    12 Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. 13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. 14 For the Lord your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.

    So, hygiene rules:
    1. Don’t take a dump in the camp
    2. Cover up your stinky crap
    3. Don’t make The Big Dude angry

    • Randy schenck
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 3:46 pm | Permalink

      You could also be reading from the first army manual.

      • Posted May 23, 2017 at 12:41 pm | Permalink

        Maybe so: after all the translation for some passages is “lord of hosts” – which took me until adulthood to realize it meant “lord of armies”, not “lord of persons whose place it is for a party” or whatever.

    • Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

      Cleansing of hands is a requirement more for purification of worshippers before they enter the temple or perform religious rites such as prayers.

      If anyone here has lived on a farm, one sees what happens to animals that don’t/can’t cleanse defecating and urinating apparatus. Pretty grungy actually and prone to making sores. Cleansing hands is not sufficient (especially if there’s no cat tails, leaves or TP and you’re using your s**t hand for wiping..

  12. Lee
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 3:57 pm | Permalink

    Not to be picky, but it should be “after thou takest a dump”, not “after thee takest a dump” “thou” is the subject form.

  13. ladyatheist
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    The Bible did instruct people to wash hands before eating, which probably saved lives (assuming the water was clean)

    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 7:06 pm | Permalink

      But not to wash hands before preparing someone else’s food. Which will have cost a good few lives too.
      Call that one a draw?

      • Filippo
        Posted May 19, 2017 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

        Leads me to wonder how many hospital patient infections are caused by visitors who can’t be troubled to wash their hands after going to the restroom (or can’t be troubled to use the visitor restroom instead of the patient’s restroom).

        • gravelinspector-Aidan
          Posted May 20, 2017 at 11:54 am | Permalink

          I’ve never seen a hospital with separate toilets for visitors and patients. But I’m not an experienced hospital visitor.
          But yeh, I can see it being a potential problem. Though every toilet in every hospital I have seen has reminder signs all over the place. You’d have to be pretty dense (or visually impaired, seriously) to not see them.

  14. Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    The whole thing should really read: Wash thou thy hands after thou hast taken a dump – if an individual is being addressed; if a group is being addressed then the plural form should be used: Wash your hands after you have taken a dump. I must say it annoys me when people try to write in Early Modern English but can’t be bothered to get it right. (I know there are more important things to get annoyed about.)

    • grasshopper
      Posted May 19, 2017 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

      And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”

      Did Monty Python get this right?

      • gravelinspector-Aidan
        Posted May 19, 2017 at 7:08 pm | Permalink

        Is it accurate enough if I count to Pi?
        Outside Illinois, or Indiana, or whichever the benighted state was.

      • Posted May 20, 2017 at 12:28 pm | Permalink

        Not quite. ‘Shalt is correct for second person, but for third person it should be ‘shall’ (‘Three shall be the number…’)

  15. Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

    Jesus clearly tells people not to wash their hands before eating in Mark 7:1-8. Yes, I know, what he’s actually saying is that it’s pointless to follow the Jewish purity laws. So he was right about that, at least.

  16. Posted May 19, 2017 at 4:39 pm | Permalink

    In the beginning, God created a state of extremely low entropy.

  17. Luiz Augusto
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

    Actually maybe it would be a little to much information for what people knew by the time. In the bible (leviticus, i think) you can read some excerpts that tell you not to touch dead bodies, secretions,and stuff like that.

    But in Mark, 7, Jesus tell people not to wash their hands . Contraditions…

  18. somer
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

    The Church(es) actually taught that washing is a sign of worldly vanity and attachment to the needs of the flesh. Dirt and self mortification were seen as marks of devoutness. During the plagues, groups of penitents would go from village to village scourging themselves and inadvertently actually spreading the plague

  19. Vaal
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 10:28 pm | Permalink

    Commandment 11:

    You shall hold thy smartphone in landscape mode when shooting videos!

    • Colin McLachlan
      Posted May 20, 2017 at 5:18 am | Permalink


  20. Doug
    Posted May 19, 2017 at 10:47 pm | Permalink

    “Thou shalt not own slaves.”
    “Thou shalt not beat thy children.”
    “Oh, and there are no such things as witches, so don’t kill anyone for this nonexistent crime.”

    • Xuuths
      Posted May 22, 2017 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

      Thou shalt not rape.

  21. Posted May 20, 2017 at 2:49 am | Permalink

    Thou shalt not be lazy by stealing labour from others (slaves)! Simply share and work together. Amen.

  22. Posted May 20, 2017 at 7:44 am | Permalink

    Some of the taboos and practices in the bible were likely inspired by health issues.
    Not eating pork or certain other foods(trichinosis and food poisoning).
    Not having indiscriminate sex (STD’s).
    Circumcision (likely to help prevent infection back then).

    I think if god really existed he would have written(with his own hand); “I’m god and i wrote this”, instead of having a bunch of fallible, crooked and unreliable humans scribble things on scrolls, and then hundreds of years later having other groups of the same decide what should be what god meant to say, and then putting different versions in different books depending on what each religious sect believed that god said. That would have done it.

  23. Craw
    Posted May 20, 2017 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    The second tweet gets it wrong. It should be “after thou takest a dump”. Thou is the nominative case pronoun.

  24. Posted May 20, 2017 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

    If the Bible wanted scientific accuracy the first command it would give would be to discount all accounts of mythical super beings and magics. That would also be the last.


  25. Xuuths
    Posted May 22, 2017 at 4:25 pm | Permalink

    Thou shalt not kill those who worship other gods, or no gods. Be excellent to each other.

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