Every sperm is sacred: satirical Texas anti-masturbation bill moves through legislature

The “Men’s Right to Know” Act, a bill introduced in the Texas state legislature by Representative Jessica Farrar (a Democrat, naturally), has had its first reading in the Texas House. It’s a satirical bill that mocks the Texas legislature’s constant attempts to control the bodies of women. As The Independent reports,

Under section 173.010 of House Bill 4260, the Man’s Right to Know Act, Texas men would only be allowed to masturbate under supervision, inside approved health care and medical facilities.

Any “unregulated masturbatory emissions outside of a woman’s vagina, or created outside of a health or medical facility, will be charged a $100 civil penalty for each emission, and will be considered an act against an unborn child, and failing to preserve the sanctity of life.”

The bill, created by state representative Jessica Farrar of Houston, would also promote “fully abstinent sexual relations” and create a “Hospital Masturbatory Assistance Registry” to “provide fully-abstinent encouragement counselling, supervising physicians for masturbatory emissions, and storage for the semen.”

Allowing Texas men only “occasional” masturbatory emissions inside the approved facilities, the bill would insist that the resulting semen be “stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future wife.”

Although the bill stands ZERO chance of passing, or even getting to a vote, it’s a hilarious commentary on recent Texas legislation—the kind of ingroup humor one rarely sees in American politics except at the White House Correspondents’ Dinners. The article continues:

Her bill, Ms Farrar has claimed, “mirrors real Texas laws and health care restrictions faced by Texas women every legislative session.”

Emphasising the need for full male abstinence, it comes three months after Republican Tony Tinderhold proposed criminalising abortion in Texas, arguing it would make women “more personally responsible” about their sexual behaviour.

Ms Farrar’s bill also insists that any doctor providing a vasectomy or prescribing Viagra must first read a ‘Man’s Right to Know’ booklet with the patient.

This, Ms Farrar has said, is a response to current Texas law which obliges doctors to give women considering an abortion a “Women’s Right to Know” booklet.  Ms Farrar has criticised this as a “guilt mechanism” to get the woman to change her mind.

She has also criticised the Texas law requiring a woman to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound before she can have an abortion as an “invasive, medically unnecessary procedure [where] one of the state’s objectives is to guilt her into changing her mind.”

So her bill also insists: “An attending physician must administer a medically-unnecessary digital rectal exam and magnetic resonance imagining of the rectum before administering an elective vasectomy or colonoscopy procedure or prescribing Viagra.”

You can see the full bill here; I’ve taken a screenshot of the introducton (below):

 

Farrar: a Texas hero

h/t: Robert N.

 

41 Comments

  1. Tom
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    Time for a “Every sperm is Sacred” singalong in Texas.
    123………

    • Merilee
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

      🎶…if a sperm is wasted God gets QUITE irate🎶

      • infiniteimprobabilit
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 7:17 pm | Permalink

        Link:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk

        Let the heathen spill them
        On the dusty ground
        God will make them pay for
        Each sperm that can’t be found

        That last line conjures up a mental image that just cracks me up.

        It’s a beautifully produced and choreographed musical number (obviously a lampoon of ‘Oliver!’) – in fact the best I can call to mind in that genre. Quite a feat to be simultaneously satirising and winning the category!

        cr

        • infiniteimprobabilit
          Posted April 10, 2017 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

          oh and sub

  2. busterggi
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

    I wouldn’t say this has zero chance of passing – believers are known for self-righeously passing laws that they simply ignore so they can claim piety without actually living it.

  3. rickflick
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    An excellent sense of humor. It strikes me that republicans would never come up with satire. They must be just about humorless. I don’t know any first rate republican comedians. They’d have to be so unfunny I don’t know how they’d survive in the business.

    • Heather Hastie
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 2:52 pm | Permalink

      Fox News opinionators say it’s the Democrats that lack a sense of humour. It makes me laugh every time I hear it, though to be fair the regressive left are a bit intense and humourless. And, of course, Fox and similar try to paint all Democrats and liberals as having the pov of the regressives.

      • Merilee
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 5:10 pm | Permalink

        My one Republican brother does have a great sense of humor.

        • rickflick
          Posted April 10, 2017 at 6:20 pm | Permalink

          I’ll keep track, my left hand still has 4 more digits. 😎

    • Ken Kukec
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 5:24 pm | Permalink

      The only thing that makes a Texas Republican laugh is the sight of a paraplegic Democrat straining unsuccessfully to reach the voting booth lever.

      • rickflick
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 6:18 pm | Permalink

        Makes me laugh too. Good one.

        • rickflick
          Posted April 10, 2017 at 6:19 pm | Permalink

          e.g. you are not a republican. 😎

    • darrelle
      Posted April 11, 2017 at 12:06 pm | Permalink

      I don’t particularly follow comedy but there are a few very successful comedians I can think of off the top of my head who are undoubtedly republican supporters. Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. The funny thing is that all of these guys were originals of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Funny in the old working class people keep voting against their own best interests sense of the word.

      What is interesting is the differences in the comedy between the comedians above and more “leftward” comedians like George Carlin, Lewis Black, . . .

  4. ChrisB
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 1:43 pm | Permalink

    Bravo, Ms. Farrar!

    I would love to hear the rationale behind rejecting this bill, if it has zero chance of passing. Let’s hear opponents of the bill in the Texas state legislature make their arguments in public.

    • Jenny Haniver
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

      If one assumes that she’s a “cis-gendered female,” to be sexually and politically correct one must say “Brava!”

  5. Michael Day
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Sec.A173.010: “fines related to masturbatory emissions”…
    If these fines are imposed on males of all ages, all monetary problems worldwide will be solved, forever.

    • jeremy pereira
      Posted April 11, 2017 at 7:02 am | Permalink

      Except that males of all ages would be destitute.

  6. Randy schenck
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

    My how things have changed in Texas, considering I had a vasectomy in the state of Texas about 35 years ago and still holding. We can assume masturbation is okay after said surgery?

    • Merilee
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

      Still holding??? Sorry, couldn’t resist😁

      • Randy schenck
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 3:47 pm | Permalink

        Ah yes. I was probably thinking of a different holding. But odd as is might sound, back in about 1979, I think it was, they seem to take this way too serious. They wanted you to watch films explaining how permanent this procedure would be and get you to sign that you understood. I though, I sure hope it is as I did not want to go back each year for another.

    • bluemaas
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 2:43 pm | Permalink

      O, yes, definitely, Randall: according to the science side of … … “Faith vs Science,” then the answer to your quite – reasonable query is, indeed, a definite yes.

      FLIP / REVERSE: Whenever, within the past four – plus decades or so, I have been confronted, which is very many many times, over my choice – stance (including my own choice) re abortion, I have stated back to the persons confronting me, both men and women … … thus, “For every human being’s spermatozoan, haploid it be in its humanoid deoxyribonucleic acid, emitted, it, as well, needs to be captured and savior – like contained … … because of the future, possible ‘life’ that it could become.”

      I have only ever, long before Texan Farrar’s House Bill #4260 was introduced, been met — back — with … … wull, with anger and remonstratory spitfire and (religiosi – types of) brimstone flung at me. Flailed at with both fists of others, with their facial countenances’ contorted mouthings and with only polemic verbiage spewing therefrom such orifices.

      I do not know why. FLIPPING & REVERSING of the genders’ treatments — especially by the Opposite One — makes perfect .egalitarian – sense. to me. Not so ?

      Blue

      • Merilee
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 5:13 pm | Permalink

        +1@Blue

    • Mike Anderson
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 3:34 pm | Permalink

      You’re still killing babies. Actually, men with vasectomies have no valid reason to orgasm at all. Sorry.

      • Randall Schenck
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

        Yes, actually we have the best reason of all. Just ask the females of the species.

        • jeremy pereira
          Posted April 11, 2017 at 7:11 am | Permalink

          Doing things for fun is sinful, if you do a thing for fun with “females of the species” you are making them accessories which is also sinful.

          If you can’t make babies, the purpose of sex is gone so having it is a sin. Also, if you are married, because you can’t make babies, you have devalued the marriages of God fearing Christian men, just like if you were gay and married, so you had better get a divorce. Oh, wait, that is a sin too. Looks like you are screwed, but not in a good way.

  7. Mark Sturtevant
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 3:12 pm | Permalink

    Knowing Texas, only a politician out of Houston could propose such a bill even as satire. It would pretty much be a fatal move anywhere else in the state

    • Charles McCullough
      Posted April 10, 2017 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

      I don’t live in Texas, but I hope Ms. Farrar runs for Governor…and WINS!

    • Posted April 10, 2017 at 4:37 pm | Permalink

      What about Austin?

      • Qadeer Qureshi
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

        Austin is not a part of Texas; it’s an extension of California. We in Austin are trapped in the wrong body.

      • Ken Kukec
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 5:41 pm | Permalink

        Austin is like a stream of bat piss …

        … shining out like a shaft of gold, when all around is darkness.

        • merilee
          Posted April 10, 2017 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

          Seeing this out of context I first thought of Austin Powers – Groovy Babeeeee.

      • Mark Sturtevant
        Posted April 10, 2017 at 6:53 pm | Permalink

        I agree!

  8. nwalsh
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 5:00 pm | Permalink

    Go gettum Jessica!

  9. gravelinspector-Aidan
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 6:13 pm | Permalink

    Allowing Texas men only “occasional” masturbatory emissions inside the approved facilities, the bill would insist that the resulting semen be “stored for the purposes of conception for a current or future wife.”

    Just a second – what about the rights of past wives? Shouldn’t they get a … [struggles for euphemism] bite of the cherry? A finger in the, umm, cookie jar? A turkey-baster in the sauce pan?

  10. Blue
    Posted April 10, 2017 at 7:51 pm | Permalink

    I was particularly heartened to nota bene that Representative Farrar did not, inside her bill’s drafting, forget about the docs’ vows to “First … … do no harm” unto unborn, er I mean, unto unfertilized and, without that awful Viagra then, unto unreleased deoxyribonucleic acid molecules. Let alone as of yet, unto altogether unproduced haploid cells !

    Why, upon takin’ that there oath as a faithful physician (and soooo, so not as a nasty scientific one !), I am quite, quite certain that my having to not be protected, by LAW, from doin’ that … … ‘d nearly morally do me in. For sure.

    I mean: the sight of dying Mama in full – blown puerperal fever from her having had to carry “to term” a big ol’ lump of uterine – residing but quite foreign tissue, thus septicly infecting said Mama … … from that hydatidiform mole that, seven months previously, gave off a false positive preggers’ result, ‘dn’t do it; but my practitioner’s non – legal protection from Daddy’s Lost Sperm … … so would.

    Blue

  11. Dale Franzwa
    Posted April 11, 2017 at 12:55 am | Permalink

    As a registered and fully competent TX male voter, I totally support this bill. If the legislature fails to pass this bill and the governor fails to sign it, I will look to see if the TX state constitution can be amended to require all provisions in this bill. Furthermore, I will start a campaign to enlist the support of every church in the state to condemn to eternal hell any state politician who opposes said amendment. Amen.

    • jeremy pereira
      Posted April 11, 2017 at 7:15 am | Permalink

      Let me guess: you have stock in a Texas based chain of medical or health facilities.

      • Dale Franzwa
        Posted April 11, 2017 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

        No, but I wish I did.

  12. Posted April 11, 2017 at 4:08 am | Permalink

    You know what Yahweh did to Onan for spilling his seed on the ground. If there’s anything She can’t stand, it’s spilling your seed — even worse than pissing against a wall.

  13. Hempenstein
    Posted April 11, 2017 at 8:20 am | Permalink

    Suspect Pence et ux wouldn’t understand the satire.

  14. Posted April 12, 2017 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    I wonder if there are any “satirical bills” which passed in any jurisdictions?


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