Gwyneth Paltrow sells a jade vagina egg

I have no use for Gwyneth Paltrow, her hauteur, and the ridiculously overpriced merchandise at her “goop” store, but I couldn’t resist highlighting one item, a jade “yoni [vagina] egg” that, claims goop, has all kinds of miracle properties. And it’s only $68! Sadly, you can’t get one as they’re all sold out.  Here’s what, according to the ad below, this thing can do

  • harnesses the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice
  • cleanses, clears, and detoxifies the vagina
  • removes negativity
  • increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy.

The only thing I can see that might be useful is increasing muscle tone, but then again I don’t have a vagina. The rest is just pure scam, as, I’ve learned, so much of goop is. Gwyneth Paltrow is the female equivalent of Deepak Chopra, but with clothes and purses.  Anybody who spends $68 bucks on this thing (and given that it’s sold out, many must have) deserves what they get.

If you want to read Shiva Rose’s unintentionally humorous paean to this thing, go to the goop article, “Better sex: Jade eggs for your yoni.” which includes this exchange (my emphasis)

Question:

There are specifications about where the egg needs to be from, how it’s been treated—can you explain a bit about that?

Answer:

The most important thing, just like when you’re buying a crystal, is to be careful where you get it from. Nephrite is a specific type of jade—it’s the most powerful, the most clearing, the traditional one used by women in ancient China, and the best to start with. It comes from Canada or sometimes Australia, and it’s a darker jade, deep green, almost black. The egg will get lighter in color, with use; if you feel like it’s been drained of energy, recharge it in the full moon just the way you would a crystal.

Nephrite jade is associated with cleansing, health, abundance, beauty, longevity, and healing for the heart. Really insist on nephrite jade—there are a lot of imposters and weird stuff on the internet that isn’t even actually jade.

The other egg people will use is rose quartz, which is more gentle, and brings in more love energy. But the jade is the most powerfully cleansing; go with the jade first, always. Then when you’re more practiced, you can use rose quartz to bring in love and heal wounds, in a gentler way.

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At the end of Shiva Rose’s piece is this weaselly disclaimer:

The views expressed in this article intend to highlight alternative studies and induce conversation. They are the views of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of goop, and are for informational purposes only, even if and to the extent that this article features the advice of physicians and medical practitioners. This article is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and should never be relied upon for specific medical advice.

If the views don’t represent the views of goop, why are they selling the egg with all those wacky claims?

146 Comments

  1. Douglas Pew
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    Ah, I found your birthday gift!

    On Thu, Jan 19, 2017 at 3:01 PM, Why Evolution Is True wrote:

    > whyevolutionistrue posted: “I have no use for Gwyneth Paltrow, her > hauteur, and the ridiculously overpriced merchandise at her “goop” store, > but I couldn’t resist highlighting one item, a jade “yoni [vagina] egg” > that, claims goop, has all kinds of miracle properties. And it’s only ” >

  2. busterggi
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:11 pm | Permalink

    Just when you thought you were safe from Shirley McClaine…

  3. Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:12 pm | Permalink

    Ha! The headline made me think this egg she was selling was one she personally had owned. Call me crazy, but that would be quite a secret attached to such an object.

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:14 pm | Permalink

      I thought it was something that was created from the vagina and wondered why my vagina never produced one.

      • Christopher
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 9:45 pm | Permalink

        You probably need to recharge your vagina chi in the moonlight, at least that will be the excuse you give the police as they lead away in handcuffs.

        • gravelinspector-Aidan
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:23 am | Permalink

          This is the civilised world. We use straight jackets not handcuffs.

      • eric
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

        I have a ceremony for that. For only $55/hour I can help your body renew the natural ability to create jade eggs that Toxins and Society have destroyed. No telling how many hours of chanting will be needed, though, because as you know, every woman’s body is unique and special. I’m sure you understand…

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

          I’ve always wanted to lay eggs like chickens or turtles or alligators. My countless progeny would take over the world as i laid more and more eggs. And, if they weren’t fertilized, free egg breakfast!

  4. Taz
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:14 pm | Permalink

    So ancient Chinese women had commerce with Canada and Australia?

    • Ken Kukec
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:54 pm | Permalink

      Maybe the first jade vaj eggs were hewn using Clovis tools?

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:16 pm | Permalink

        Hahaha I think acheulian

        • Ken Kukec
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

          “acheulian”

          Gesundheit!

          • Diana MacPherson
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:53 pm | Permalink

            🤓😜😷

            • Merilee
              Posted January 20, 2017 at 11:22 pm | Permalink

              @ant
              🤗

  5. alexandra Moffat
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    Who said that you can’t go broke underestimating the taste of Americans.?

    (Approximation from HLM quote)

    Subsitute narcism or navel gazing for taste??

  6. sensorrhea
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    Looks great, but when will they be providing a magic jade urethral sound?

  7. Simon Hayward
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:29 pm | Permalink

    Probably worth checking the the advice of an OB/Gyn

    http://tinyurl.com/jx894hu

    • Dave Larson
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:41 pm | Permalink

      Thank you, Simon. That was worth a read.

    • Jenny Haniver
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 5:31 pm | Permalink

      Yes, this should be required reading for anyone credulous enough even to contemplate buying one.

    • Zetopan
      Posted January 23, 2017 at 6:09 pm | Permalink

      I would also advise everyone to read all of the comments – they clearly show that for the True Believers, literally any excuse will do. The insistence that the good doctor needs to show scientific evidence that these magic eggs do NOT work, while the promoters of this nonsense do have to show anything scientific is particularly funny.

  8. Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    She might as well be selling dog eggs.

  9. Alex Shearin
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

    I can’t afford one of these. Guess I’ll stick with the dishwasher packs.

  10. Kevin
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    I am feeling left out here…can I have a jade bracelet for my scrotum. I want one with bluetooth mini speakers so my sperms can hear whale song while they sleep. 🐳

    • Taz
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

      Sperm whale song?

      • TJR
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 4:41 am | Permalink

        Excellent feedline, and only 20 minutes for someone to bang it into the back of the net.

        Makes you think the interweb isn’t all bad.

    • BJ
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:16 pm | Permalink

      This is a fantastic idea! Playing soothing music and nature sounds for your sperm provides conal fertility, orgasmic ejaculation geysers, rose farts, third eye enlargement, and shibbidity blibbidy boops. It’s a beautiful, natural way to live better and open your chakras to the universe’s love! In addition, any children produced by sperm that has been exposed to these sounds for long periods of time will possess significantly higher spiritual enlightenment.

      Our Sperm Sounds CD costs only $59, plus $39.99 shipping and handling, but one can’t put a price on oneness.

      • Ken Phelps
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

        With Pence near the helm, you’d better enjoy those shibbidity blibbidy boops while they’re still legal.

      • eric
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 12:19 pm | Permalink

        any children produced by sperm that has been exposed to these sounds for long periods of time will possess significantly higher spiritual enlightenment

        And as an added bonus, flippers and a blowhole!

        • David Coxill
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

          Snigger snigger.

  11. Barry Lyons
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    Wow, I didn’t know Paltrow was THAT out of her gourd. Fascinating, as Mr. Spock would say.

    • Torbjörn Larsson
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

      That may explain her ill-fitting stilted and mysterious version of Galadriel in Lord of the Rings instead of the loving but powerful version of the book. Pity, since she can do good acting too.

      • Torbjörn Larsson
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:35 pm | Permalink

        Ah, it was Kate Blanchett!

        Note to self: check “obvious” actors,

        • gravelinspector-Aidan
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:33 am | Permalink

          Have Kate Blanchete and Gwyneth Paltrow ever been seen together? I think they’re the same lizard-headed Ickian monster, just wearing a different mask.

          • merilee
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:03 pm | Permalink

            I think Kate’s (Cate?) a much better actress.

  12. Bob MURRAY
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    I may have a terrible mind but I have always wondered about these items. What if one had an unforeseen sneezing fit whilst ‘practicing’ with it. Localised knick-knacks could be at serious risk!

    • Mark Sturtevant
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

      🙂 That would require some explaining.

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:24 am | Permalink

      Depends on the strength acquired from kegel exercises. Imagine laying one of those things while standing up in the subway or bus as it slips out and rolls down the aisle?

      • eric
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

        Now I finally understand why women wear those tight ‘skinny jeans.’

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:14 pm | Permalink

          Or tights.

  13. Ken Kukec
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    I’ll wait until you can get two for the price of one on late-night basic cable, along with, if you act right now, an extra-special bonus ShamWow and Chia-Pet.

    • BJ
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:18 pm | Permalink

      I only use Chia-Pet merkins. Merkins made from artificial materials seriously reduce one’s vaginal chi.

  14. Scote
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    “Anybody who spends $68 bucks on this thing (and given that it’s sold out, many must have) deserves what they get.”

    I can’t agree with that. Paltrow is a famous celebrity with a very public business. We have laws in this country that people think protect them from fraud. And Paltrow’s claims are not that different from other (false) claims out there – so if people google the answers they are likely to find confirmation (maybe less so, now that there are some critical articles of this). I don’t think that people who’ve been fooled “deserve what they get”.

    I do think it is really ironic, though, that even as Paltrow claims the jade egg can prevent infections it can actually serve as a vehicle for microbes.

    • Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:18 pm | Permalink

      Agreed; I do think she should have to show support for the health claims, though there is that disclaimer. . .

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:17 pm | Permalink

      Which could mean an embarrassing trip to the ER when it gets lost up here.

      • gravelinspector-Aidan
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:35 am | Permalink

        If one of those got lost, it’d be a damned urgent trip to the ER!

        • busterggi
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 11:06 am | Permalink

          Just flip her over and do an upside-down Heimlich – no prob.

  15. nickswearsky
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    I used to love going to the local rock shop when I was a kid. Now I am scarred for life.

  16. Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:50 pm | Permalink

    No one is an equivalent of Deepak Chopra. Overreach.

  17. jennyah46
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    I wouldn’t bother worrying your head about this Jerry. I sure Hili will lend a couple of wise words on the subject if you ask her nicely with a dish of noms in hand.

  18. Jenny Haniver
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    But first you must steam-clean your vagina with mugwort http://www.salon.com/2015/01/29/%E2%80%9Cnot_just_a_steam_douche%E2%80%9D_gwyneth_paltrow_suggests_professionally_steam_cleaning_your_uterus/. Do this while the egg is being ritually purified according to the Paltrow ritual: “Before I insert an egg, I’ll do a ritual: I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage. For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg.”

    • Saul Sorrell-Till
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 8:04 am | Permalink

      “But first you must steam-clean your vagina with mugwort”

      Well, obviously.

      BTW, how exactly do you steam-clean your vagina? Take your car to the car-wash and lie on the roof? Improvise with one of the house’s steam pipes? Sounds a touch dangerous frankly. Why not go the whole hog and use one of those water-cannons the police use?

      Mental.

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:25 am | Permalink

        There’s probably a special attachment to those portable garment steamers.

        • merilee
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

          ouch

      • busterggi
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 11:10 am | Permalink

        • Saul Sorrell-Till
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

          🙂 🙂 🙂

  19. Ken Kukec
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

    I heard the Queen Mum kept the crown jewels stashed in hers.

    For safekeeping during the War, is all I’m saying.

    • Michael Fisher
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:41 pm | Permalink

      Perhaps that thought arose unconsciously from “Crown Jewels” being British slang for a chap’s testicles? [also Cockney rhyming slang for “tools”]

      Those titbits are unrelated

      • Ken Kukec
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

        On this side of the pond, the equivalent slang is “family jewels.”

        I don’t know from “unconsciously”; I just hear voices and type what they tell me.

        • gravelinspector-Aidan
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:36 am | Permalink

          Deepak, is that you?

      • busterggi
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:24 am | Permalink

        What’s unrelated – the tits or the bits?

  20. Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:20 pm | Permalink

    Don’t know why, but this made me remember an article I saw recently about penile implants.
    The one i saw looked pretty uncomfortable, but there seem to be a variety of types and materials. Since it’s a device that one presumes was scientifically tested and is surgically implanted by a doctor, one hopes there wouldn’t be as much opportunity for bacteria, etc. to cause health problems. Strange the things that some people believe in and do, eh?!

    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:38 am | Permalink

      I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned using raccoon baculums (-ii?) as toothpicks. Deepak alike, I just knew it would bring out the quantum bizarreness.

    • Saul Sorrell-Till
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 8:06 am | Permalink

      I’d like to say that I’ve never heard of penile implants, and therefore will not be commenting, as I don’t know anything about them. Any rumours otherwise are a filthy lie.

  21. zoolady
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    “you can put it out under the light of a full moon to cleanse or recharge it like a crystal, or you could burn sage—the egg does absorb energy”

    ++++++++ Maybe it’s really true that ”there’s a sucker born every minute.”

    • Alpha Neil
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

      It’s too bad that things like this don’t cause infirtlity.

  22. tubby
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    Shame she doesn’t sell kegel/yoni eggs that are nonporous and can be sterilized. Things like platinum cure silicone, stainless steel, and plain old glass. But I guess using a kegel ball to culture bacteria is more spiritual or something.

    • Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:23 pm | Permalink

      Microflora is so respected in the woo community that if she knew jade was porous and good for bacteria, she would include this in the add as an advantage.

      • tubby
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:51 pm | Permalink

        Gross. So, so gross.

        • somer
          Posted January 19, 2017 at 6:09 pm | Permalink

          No I think the term is “purifying”!

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:27 am | Permalink

        You can probably use the bio filtration used in fishtanks when you are between eggs.

        • Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:33 pm | Permalink

          If you are feeling brave today, you can look at this:
          http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/casey-jenkins-vagina-knitting-woman-2864626

          • infiniteimprobabilit
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:10 pm | Permalink

            I misread it – at first sight I thought she had an entire month’s worth of yarn up there.

            cr

            • Merilee
              Posted January 20, 2017 at 11:26 pm | Permalink

              And I was imagining her manipulating the needles with her “down there” mysculature…

              • Diana MacPherson
                Posted January 21, 2017 at 8:31 am | Permalink

                I thought that too! I imagined a whole sweater coming out and was, of course, skeptical.

          • Diana MacPherson
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:48 pm | Permalink

            I would never accept any knitted wares from that woman!

  23. Hempenstein
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 3:34 pm | Permalink

    Looks like what my grandmother used when darning socks.

    • Merilee
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

      Who knows what else she used it for…

  24. Sastra
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:06 pm | Permalink

    The views expressed in this article intend to highlight alternative studies and induce conversation.

    “Induce conversation.” Right. People who believe this stuff can’t handle conversation.

    Here’s what’s permitted in the back-and-forth of what passes for discussion among the woo crowd:

    1.) “Please, tell me more.”

    2.) “Do go on…”

    3.) “I want to try it!”

    4.) “Well, I don’t think this works for me, but good for you. I think the world is so much better for having diverse views — and if it works for you, then of course I’m fine with it!”

    Conversation which is not to be induced:

    1.) That’s wrong/nonsense/doesn’t work — and here is why.”

    Doing that shuts down the conversation because it’s bullying.

  25. Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:21 pm | Permalink

    Maybe she made a bet: “You doubt my marketing abilities? I will show you that when I tell people to put some stone where the sun does not shed daylight, they do it, and even give me money!”

  26. Mike Deschane
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    Don’t we have better things to discuss than the vapid emanations from the centers of imaginary reality?

    Fun yes, but a pointed reminder to the beliefs and aspirations of the majority of the electorate.

    PCC save us!

    • Michael Fisher
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 5:42 pm | Permalink

      No, “we” don’t have better things to do Mike D.

      This Goop woo artist also promotes foods free from GMO & also the gluten-free scam** that retailers adore [her kids are on a gluten-free diet it seems]. She gets hefty kickbacks from the manufacturers/ sellers/ resellers of many products & services she promotes. She sends out the message that it’s OK to consider various forms of ‘healing’ as on the same level of validity as science-based medicine. Her fan base is large.

      ** Gluten intolerance is real, but it doesn’t stretch to anywhere near the 7% of adults in the UK who “avoid gluten” according to Mintel in 2015. The Goop is partially responsible for this.

      • Michael Fisher
        Posted January 19, 2017 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

        I should also mention the bullshit alkaline diet she has written about. Not directly Goop’s fault in this particular case below who probably never heard of Goop, but you get the idea: “The dying officer treated for cancer with baking soda
        By Dr Giles Yeo and Tristan Quinn”
        : http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-38650739

        • somer
          Posted January 19, 2017 at 6:10 pm | Permalink

          they prey on naive people and the religious to make them sick and get rich in the process

        • somer
          Posted January 19, 2017 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

          That said celiac disease is real but Im sure the numbers of people sensitive to gluten is exaggerated.

      • infiniteimprobabilit
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 2:32 am | Permalink

        Gluten – the latest fad. Used to be carbohydrates, then it was saturated fats, then artificial colouring, then sugars, now gluten…

        By the time we’ve finished nothing will be ‘safe’ to eat except the cardboard cartons it comes in.

        [/rant]

        (Nothing in the above should be taken as ‘knocking’ people who have a genuine – as opposed to trendy – ailment).

        cr

        • Michael Fisher
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 3:50 am | Permalink

          You forgot the deadly, Satanic ingredient MSG!!

          Sainsbury’s Shopping: They have an extensive range of what’s called “Free From” [FF] products. Below I compare prices with ‘normal’ [N]

          280% // FF Soft white loaf [535g] £3.00 // N [400g] £0.80

          290% // FF Oats [450g] £2.10 // N [1000g] £1.60

          335% // FF Cod Fish Fingers [300g] £2.60 // N [250g] £0.65

          • infiniteimprobabilit
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 4:08 am | Permalink

            Yeah, you’d think the ‘Free From’ products should be _cheaper_ since they’ve left something out, wouldn’t you? 😉

            cr

          • Michael Fisher
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 4:17 am | Permalink

            Correct. If I were gluten sensitive then for the bread example I’d simply switch to slow fermented breads such as sourdough

            Unlike most ‘Free From’ [read taste-of-cardboard] breads the fermented ones taste beautiful & aren’t too expensive

          • Diana MacPherson
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:28 am | Permalink

            MSG is horrible and i get migraines from it but it’s not Satan’s fault.

    • busterggi
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:29 am | Permalink

      “vapid emanations from the centers of imaginary reality?”

      Well you are supposed to wash the eggs between uses.

  27. mordacious1
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 6:11 pm | Permalink

    If it’s increased energy you’re looking for, the preferable stone is Hawaiian lava rock (the kind you can buy for your propane grill). Shove one of those up your hoo hoo and you won’t sit down for a week…I guarantee it.

    (I think that’s my taxi)

    • Saul Sorrell-Till
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 8:10 am | Permalink

      “Hoo hoo”? I’ve never heard that one before.

      Besides, on the basis of what empirical evidence can you “guarantee it”? You dirty bugger you. 😉

      • Merilee
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 9:49 am | Permalink

        I thought the scientific term was “hoo haw”…

        • Saul Sorrell-Till
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:24 am | Permalink

          In Britain the closest I can think of is foo-foo. Or noony(pronounced nunny.).

          Hoo-haw is good though. I come here to learn after all. 🙂

          This whole comments section has been very educational. I just hope our host doesn’t blow a gasket when he sees how many comments a post on Gwyneth Paltrow’s fanny-eggs gets by comparison with the posts on hard science.

          • merilee
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

            which leads to the discussion of how “fanny” means “bum” in the US…

            • Diana MacPherson
              Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:45 pm | Permalink

              Leading to a lot of confusion anout “Fanny packs”.

              • infiniteimprobabilit
                Posted January 21, 2017 at 12:36 am | Permalink

                yes…

                cr

          • Diana MacPherson
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

            My mom used to call it a foo foo when I was a child. I thought it was a word she made up but now I find out it’s actually a word others use!

    • eric
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 12:29 pm | Permalink

      On the contrary, Gwyneth’s egg is working pretty well for me. My chi is flowing right through my funny bone at the thought of her using one.

  28. infiniteimprobabilit
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 6:52 pm | Permalink

    Where do you put the batteries?

    cr

    • Martin Knowles
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 10:33 pm | Permalink

      It runs on lunar energy.

  29. Frank Bath
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

    Can I put one up my arse? Would that do something for me?

    • Michael Fisher
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 7:33 pm | Permalink

      Yes you can, but love beads are more fun & safer. If you go with the ovoid rock option let me know & I’ll inform the Darwin Awards committee if you so wish 🙂

      • gravelinspector-Aidan
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:47 am | Permalink

        You obviously didn’t see the full Goatse collection. One of these literally would not touch the sides.

        • busterggi
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 11:08 am | Permalink

          That’s what these are for:

          • gravelinspector-Aidan
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 12:00 pm | Permalink

            I was not expecting that. I was expecting something completely different.

            • Diana MacPherson
              Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

              Hahahahaha

          • infiniteimprobabilit
            Posted January 20, 2017 at 5:46 pm | Permalink

            or these…

            cr

    • Saul Sorrell-Till
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 8:19 am | Permalink

      Good God man, are you an empiricist or not? This is a science website: there’s only one way to find out, and that’s through rigorous experimental testing. I think it’s probably an under-researched area(the topic I mean, not your rectum) so you’d be making a valuable contribution to the field.

      Get to it!

  30. Diana MacPherson
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:13 pm | Permalink

    Damn negative vaginas. I guess that’s where “crotchety” comes from.

    • Merilee
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

      Crotchety – lol

    • busterggi
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:41 am | Permalink

      Makes me wonder what crochet hooks were really invented for.

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 9:53 pm | Permalink

        To fish out lost eggs, of course!

  31. Alpha Neil
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 8:32 pm | Permalink

    I just hope no one tells the Easter bunny about these.

    • Martin Knowles
      Posted January 19, 2017 at 10:37 pm | Permalink

      Hiding one of those would negatively affect your res-erection.

  32. nicky
    Posted January 19, 2017 at 10:50 pm | Permalink

    68 US$? You can buy a year’s supply of sanitary pads for that (here at least), at least a year of contraception and three vibrators! All of these would be wiser purchases than a potentially hazardous jade egg (immo).
    Goop – goo – woo (natural transitions 😁)

  33. Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:36 am | Permalink

    I, for one, was delighted to see this post — and the marvelous replies — this morning. Knowing what will happen later today, this was just the dose of humor that was needed. And some of these replies were hilarious. I was laughing so loud I woke up my wife.

  34. Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:40 am | Permalink

    Jerry I disagree with your statement that anyone buying Paltrow’s $68 egg “deserves what they get.”

    No one deserves to get scammed, even the incredulous.

    Carl Kruse

    • Matthew North
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:44 am | Permalink

      I think you mean,..the credulous.

  35. Matthew North
    Posted January 20, 2017 at 2:19 am | Permalink

    Years ago I liked Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s beautiful and a talented actress, but the saying is true, familiarity breeds contempt. She named her first kid “Apple” and I thought, here we go again, another celebrity giving their child a silly name, maybe she’s a flake. And then her ridiculous website / brand store, “goop”??!! came out. Then I thought, yep, she’s a flake all right. “Shamelessly overpriced piffle and quackery available, throw away your money and self respect here at “goop”!!”

    • infiniteimprobabilit
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 2:40 am | Permalink

      Maybe she saw ‘The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin’, (a British TV comedy) – “Reggie then opens a shop called Grot, where he sells useless products like square hoops, round dice and Tom’s wine (made from sprouts, nettles and the like), hoping it will be an interesting failure. However, the products are snapped up as novelties, and Grot becomes a huge success.”

      cr

      • HaggisForBrains
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 5:40 am | Permalink

        Exactly my first though. I was about to post this further up, then realised you would probably have spotted it too, so scrolled down, and sure enough, you had!

        Goop puts me in mind of Grot, the shop opened by Reggie Perrin.

        • infiniteimprobabilit
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 4:22 pm | Permalink

          Great minds think alike! (Well, maybe not so sure about the ‘great’…)

          Very well-chosen link, btw.

          cr

      • Jenny Haniver
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:39 am | Permalink

        I’d not known of “The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin,” so Googled and found some clips on Youtube. It’s very good! Thanks for the heads up.

        • David Coxill
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

          You will love the farting chairs.

    • peepuk
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 4:57 am | Permalink

      “She named her first kid “Apple” ”

      Frank Zappa called his daughter “Moon Unit”, also very funny.

      • Matthew North
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 6:54 am | Permalink

        Oh, that’s not all peepuk..

        Nicolas Cage, kid’s name – Kal-El

        Sly Stallone, ” ” – Sage Moonblood

        Forest Witaker, ” ” – Ocean

        Penn Jillette, ” ” Moxie Crimefighter

        Steven Spielberg,” ” – Destry

        Tom Morrow, ” ” – Tu Morrow

        Michael Jackson, ” ” – Prince Michael

        – Blanket

        Bono, ” ” – Memphis Eve

        Brad Pitt/Jolie, ” ” – Maddox

        and finally, two that are as stupid as Paltrow.

        David Duchovny,
        Tea Leoni, ” ” – Kyd
        and
        Jermaine Jackson,” ” – Jermajesty

        • Merilee
          Posted January 20, 2017 at 9:26 am | Permalink

          Jermagesty takes the cake😖

      • Merilee
        Posted January 20, 2017 at 9:23 am | Permalink

        Not to mention Frank’s son Dwiezel – a cross between a dweeb and a weasel??

  36. Posted January 20, 2017 at 2:36 am | Permalink

    But if we can’t trust Hollywood celebrities how will we know who to vote for?

    • W.Benson
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 9:18 am | Permalink

      Fell off my chair!

    • busterggi
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:54 am | Permalink

      That’s what star atheletes are for.

  37. pdmanson
    Posted January 20, 2017 at 5:27 am | Permalink

    “if you feel like it’s been drained of energy, recharge it in the full moon just the way you would a crystal.”

    I can’t believe that wasn’t one of the sentences highlighted by PCC(E). But, although it’s a mad statement, at least it’s consistent with what woo-meisters think. I’m sure I’ve seen a description of a homeopathic proving that involved focusing the light of the moon through a telescope on to some sugar crystals.

    • Posted January 20, 2017 at 5:41 am | Permalink

      How did I miss that one! I’ve highlighted it.

    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:53 am | Permalink

      I’m sure you have to use a telescope with these special lenses, because normal glass absorbs the special energy of Moon Rays.
      [Self – buys container load of cheap Chinese plastic-lensed telescopes with ridiculously wobbly mounts and a 600-diameter magnification from a 40mm primary lens. Sticks a leading “1” on the price stickers.]

  38. Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:31 am | Permalink

    Well, if you folks here would crowdfund one for me, I’d try it and get back to y’all! 😀

  39. charlize
    Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:56 am | Permalink

    Thankfully, a gynecologist who wrote a take down of Paltrow’s piffle on her blog entitled “Dear Gwyneth Paltrow, I’m a GYN and your vaginal jade eggs are a bad idea” got a write up in the Daily Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4132644/Gynecologist-slams-Gwyneth-Paltrow-s-vagina-eggs.html

    Sadly, it won’t do much to offset Paltrow’s celebrity which is the only thing that drives her success as a woo merchant.

    • infiniteimprobabilit
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 5:02 pm | Permalink

      also from that article –

      “she also previously introduced her readers to the vagina steam clean and recommended a $15,000 24-carat gold-plated vibrator.”

      Hopefully it has much better vibrations than the standard item…?

      cr

  40. gravelinspector-Aidan
    Posted January 20, 2017 at 7:58 am | Permalink

    68 bucks for nephrite tumbled balls. That is a rip-off on several levels.
    – It’s not jadeite for a start (nephrite is very much the poor man’s jade – jadeite is the good stuff).
    – Rough-cut then tumbled – as cheap a manufacturing process as you can get.
    – And it’s still ridiculously expensive. I can get a four-set of jadeite egg-cups (requiring turning, milling out the egg-hole, then lathe polishing) for about $70 plus postage – and get more use out of them.

  41. David Coxill
    Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Over here in good old Britain there used to be an tv advert about going to work on an egg ,trying to link that fact with jade eggs to make a very rude joke ,but i am having no luck.

    • David Coxill
      Posted January 20, 2017 at 10:54 am | Permalink

      How do you like your jade eggs in the morning?
      I like mine ,,,,,sorry the rest is just too rude .

  42. Posted January 20, 2017 at 11:54 am | Permalink

    Nobody’s mentioned this? https://www.amazon.ca/Gwyneth-Paltrow-Wrong-About-Everything/dp/067006758X

  43. Grant Palmer
    Posted January 20, 2017 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    Looks legit

    >

  44. Posted January 21, 2017 at 12:26 am | Permalink

    It’s an upscale pet rock.

  45. pdmanson
    Posted January 25, 2017 at 3:52 am | Permalink

    There has been a withering response to Gwyneth’s jade eggs by Dr. Jen Gunter, a GYN, on her blog (or website), which is subtitled ‘Wielding the lasso of truth’. Dr Gunter apparently has previous for this, having responded equally scathingly to Gloop’s vaginal steamer.

    There are over 200 comments on the post. Unfortunately, a sample of the first few shows many commenters attacking Dr Gunter for not understanding traditional ways, not respecting other cultures, and being high-minded about medicine & science.

    Dr Gunter may be my new science-based medicine hero. Her very next post is “Gwyneth Paltrow’s toxic tampon advice”. It starts, “It was less than 48 hours ago that I responded to your posting on porous rocks for the vagina and yet here we are again addressing another fact-deficient and potentially harmful bit of gynecological advice from GOOP” and ends, “Dearest Gwyneth, tampons are not toxic but your carefully curated advice most certainly is.”

    Highlights of the post (at https://drjengunter.wordpress.com/2017/01/17/dear-gwyneth-paltrow-im-a-gyn-and-your-vaginal-jade-eggs-are-a-bad-idea/) include:

    “I have tried not to respond to this hot mess, after all a man who leers at naked 15 year-olds and brags about sexual assault is about to assume the highest office in the land. Quite frankly women have more compelling health interests right now, however, I have been asked by so many people about your vaginal rocks that I felt it necessary to drop you a line.

    I read the post on GOOP and all I can tell you is it is the biggest load of garbage I have read on your site since vaginal steaming…

    My issue begins with the very start of your post on jade eggs specifically that “queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors.” Nothing says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man! And then the claim that they can balance hormones is, quite simply, biologically impossible…

    I find that assertion [that the yoni/womb/’sacred place’ “is where many women access their intuition, their power, their wisdom”] insulting. Do you really mean a woman who does not have a uterus is less effective? Is a woman without a vagina less intelligent? Is a woman who had a vulvectomy due to cancer less creative?

    The only thing your post got right is to check with your doctor before using one. So let me give you some free advice, don’t use vaginal jade eggs”

    • pdmanson
      Posted January 25, 2017 at 3:54 am | Permalink

      Doh! I see that charlize (comment 39) beat me to it. I missed it because I was so excited to post.


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