Headline of the year

I can’t imagine a more intriguing headline than this one from yesterday’s Omaha Herald (click on screenshot to go to article). And it’s REAL!

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If they gave Pulitzer Prizes for headlines, that should get one!

The story: a 53 year old father in Omaha found brownies in the back of his car, a car his kids had used earlier in the day. He ate four of them, and, sure enough, the brownies were pot brownies. The expected effect occurred: the man got stoned, but had no idea what was happening. He began getting terrible anxiety, and the cops and paramedics were called. This was the scene when they arrived:

Paramedics called to the scene who checked the man found his vital signs to be normal. But they noted that he was displaying odd behavior — crawling around on the floor, randomly using profanities and calling the family cat a “bitch.”

The man was put to bed, one of the kids confessed that the brownies belonged to one of the other kids (LOL), and no arrests were made.

But what about the cat? Was it really a “bitch”?

A later story in the same paper fleshed out the details, interviewing the dad:

But The Pot Father was not so sure, so it was then that he tried to go upstairs to his bedroom, where later (as he got even higher) he would see the demons and the flying circles and squares.

Except that as he walked across the living room somehow his walk turned into a crawl. And then somehow his crawl turned into a military crawl like he learned at Marine Corps basic training back in 1981. (“Michael was displaying odd behavior,” the police report reads. “Crawling around on the floor …”)

And then somehow he was sprawled on the stairs, and the family cat, Kipper, was standing at the top of the stairs staring down at him, unblinking. Maybe a tad judgey.

For the record, The Pot Father claims he was actually attempting to tell the paramedics helping him off the stairs that the cat is sometimes a bitch. As in, don’t touch her tail, guys, that cat will claw-shank you. But it maybe came out kind of weird, owing to the fact that he had just accidentally ingested an enormous amount of pot brownies. Maybe, just maybe, it came out sounding like he was “calling their cat a ‘bitch’ ” as the police report so eloquently states.

Which he wasn’t, The Pot Father swears. Although: “She can be a b…,” he tells me Thursday night.

And here’s Kipper, the bitch cat. LOL: it’s a tortie!

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Photo: Matthew Hansen for the World Herald

I have a similar story! When I was in grad school, my officemate was a postdoc from India, and had never in his life tried pot. It turned out that, one Saturday, there was going to be a lab party, and another grad student had made a pan of pot brownies for it, using an entire ounce of the stuff. He put the brownies in the cold room, and we knew they were there.

When I got to my office on Saturday afternoon, my officemate was lying on the cot we kept in our office for naps, writhing around and giggling uncontrollably. I was baffled, as he was a pretty straight guy. After a bit of interrogation, I discovered that he had gone into the cold room to get some electrophoretic buffer, and came upon the pan of brownies. He was also a guy who liked his noms, so he helped himself amply to what he thought was cake.

It took him hours to come down, and, as far as I know, he never tried pot again after that!

h/t: Ginger K.


  1. Posted August 23, 2016 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for the smile!

  2. Kevin
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 3:28 pm | Permalink

    “brownies belonged to one of the other kids”. Hysterical. I bet the kid also thinks Omaha is where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average. 😊

  3. Diana MacPherson
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 3:39 pm | Permalink

    This reminds me of an episode of That 70s Show where the parents accidentally eat the pot brownies and the kids need to take care of the shenanigans they get up to, which included selling one of the kids’ cars.

  4. Luis Servín
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

    Just letting you know that the link now directs to a follow-up story entitled “Pot Dad talks about being ‘really, really high’ and his judgey cat”.

  5. Randall Schenck
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 3:47 pm | Permalink

    Very strange I thought when I read this article. Torties are hardly ever anything close to “a bitch”. Must have been the pot talking.

    • Mark Sturtevant
      Posted August 23, 2016 at 4:48 pm | Permalink

      Every Tortie I knew was also a sweetheart.
      Now, if the cat were a Siamese

      • darrelle
        Posted August 24, 2016 at 4:06 pm | Permalink

        Not sure if bitch quite fits Siamese cats. Something more like “killer-screaming-psycho-death-cat-from-hell” might be a little more accurate. I love Siamese.

  6. Ken Phelps
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 4:56 pm | Permalink

    Couldn’t they just drag him into the living room, lay him out in front of the stereo, and put on some Pink Floyd?

    Oh, right, it’s the 21st century. Nobody has a proper stereo anymore. It’s a menace to public health in these cases.

    • Doug
      Posted August 23, 2016 at 5:16 pm | Permalink

      They also would have to remember to synch it up with “The Wizard of Oz.”

    • darrelle
      Posted August 24, 2016 at 4:12 pm | Permalink

      I still do. And I have a chair placed precisely in the sweet spot for best sound. My equipment is from the late 90s, but it still sounds wonderful. B&M DM640 speakers and B&K amps. And I have one of those 24K gold master discs of The Darkside Of The Moon. Haven’t listened to it years.

      • Ken Phelps
        Posted August 29, 2016 at 12:39 pm | Permalink

        Kudos for knowing what a sweet spot is and how to use it! My 80’s vintage electronics finally crossed over Jordan to the Promised Land last winter, so went nuts and got a pair of Maggies, a tube preamp, mono amps, a nice sub, etc. It’s a revelation to people who have become attuned to the world of mp3 low-fi played through the assorted horrors that pass for electronics these days.

        /stereo curmudgeon

  7. Posted August 23, 2016 at 7:47 pm | Permalink

    Here’s a great lugubrious report from the West Highland Free Press: ‘American man visits Skye’. ‘Dog bites man’ with a curmudgeonly sneer.

    I guarantee you will laugh.


    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted August 24, 2016 at 2:48 am | Permalink

      Kayne who?

  8. Shwell Thanksh
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 7:49 pm | Permalink

    “Mrs. Claus? Oh, yeah… I remember her, man. She made the best brownies. I could eat one of ’em!”
    – Chong, from Cheech and Chong

  9. rickflick
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 8:31 pm | Permalink

    I had a similar experience, but different. At school, I made some magic brownies I wanted to share with friends on the week end. I put the pan up in a closet shelf out of view. That night two of my “friends” found it and ate the whole thing. They knew it was pretty potent. I demanded to know why they were so selfish with the goodies and only got shy mumbles. Oh, well.

    • rickflick
      Posted August 23, 2016 at 8:32 pm | Permalink

      P.S. Later when I was interviewed by the FBI for a top secret security clearance for my job, I related this story. They did not seem too bothered by it.

  10. W.Benson
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    When you are high on pot, cats can be bitchy.

  11. Ken Kukec
    Posted August 24, 2016 at 12:53 am | Permalink

    Four of ’em? … Don’t bogart the brownies, Dad!

  12. gravelinspector-Aidan
    Posted August 24, 2016 at 2:44 am | Permalink

    And here’s Kipper, the bitch cat. LOL: it’s a tortie!

    And with a face of unfeigned innocence too!
    Personally, with a face that innocent, I think the cat did the cooking, and spared not the gear.

  13. gravelinspector-Aidan
    Posted August 24, 2016 at 2:50 am | Permalink

    Anyone affected by the Italian earthquake?
    6.2 isn’t huge, but 10km hypocentre depth is pretty shallow, which is a recipe for severe ground movements.

  14. stuartcoyle
    Posted August 24, 2016 at 5:46 am | Permalink

    We love you Alice B Toklas.

  15. jay
    Posted August 24, 2016 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    I don’t think of bitch as a mean word. I live with an actual bitch, and she’s a sweetie. 70 pounds of love.

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