Winners: Mock the HuffPo headline contest

Not long ago I announced a contest (twice: here and here), asking readers to make up “two mock headlines satirizing those that might appear in the PuffHo.” I added that the winner would receive either an autographed copy or an audiobook of Faith Versus Fact, with a cat drawn in the former. I reserved the right to declare that there is no winner if the headlines aren’t funny enough. Fortunately, we do have a winner.

Our SuperSekret Judge examined all the entries, and found a number of funny ones. I’ll put the winner at the bottom, but first the runners-up (no prize, but a warm congratulations). I’ll add that if there was any recurring problem with entries, is that they were often way too long, and didn’t come close to things that might appear in PuffHo. (Satire has to be in the vicinity of its target.)

Now, on to the funniest ones, with their senders given first:

kieran, Posted August 9, 2016 at 9:00 am

Tswift latest feud with ex: Pope weighs in

Stephen D, Posted August 12, 2016 at 12:00 am |

Is science racist? How the scientific method invalidates marginalized cultures that rely on oral tradition

It wasn’t Islam: Why [insert most recent ISIS attacker here] was wrong about his own motives

Heather Hastie, Posted August 11, 2016 at 10:37 pm

Five Reasons Boris Johnson Could be Donald Trump’s Love Child

Larry Moran, Posted August 11, 2016 at 8:46 am

Scientists discover evidence for evolution

Saul Sorrell-Till, Posted August 11, 2016 at 11:01 am

‘ISISters Are Doing It For Themselves! Ten fierce fashion tips for today’s jihadi bride’ #rockinitgirlfriend

‘Yes She Can! Why Kim K’s naked ping pong match in Madison Square Garden will be the greatest victory for feminism since suffrage’ #backoffpatriarchy

DebbJ, Posted August 12, 2016 at 1:29 am

How To Survive When One of Your Triggers is Trigger Warning Alerts

Michael Day, Posted August 11, 2016 at 10:05 am

Orange is the New Blech: Trump suggests that soylent green “not such a bad idea” for the nation’s prisons.

LionAroundWriting, Posted August 10, 2016 at 6:37 pm |

Woman sues after cutting herself while passing through glass ceiling. Employee suing for damages and loss of earnings despite the metaphorical nature of the injuries.

Shwell Thanksh, Posted August 9, 2016 at 11:55 pm

One Fearless Midwife Explains Why She’s Standing Up For GMO-Labelling of Zika Vaccines

Alpha Neil, Posted August 8, 2016 at 8:59 pm

OUTRAGEOUS! Halliburton has started using genetically modified wheat gluten in its fracking operations.

Gareth Price, Posted August 8, 2016 at 8:22 pm

A selfie-stick and an iPhone: how men over 40 are doing their own colonoscopies.

Pali, Posted August 8, 2016 at 8:04 pm

Fox Shows Bias in Hillary Coverage

Christoph, Posted August 8, 2016 at 6:41 pm

Yale students demand that Economics professor rescind Final Exam; accuse him of Macro and Micro aggressions.

JonLynnHarvey, Posted August 8, 2016 at 3:53 pm

Reza Aslan and Oprah discuss four spiritual benefits of Islamic breastfeeding practices.

Charleen D. Adams, Posted August 8, 2016 at 2:23 pm

Smashingly perfect swimwear for the twerking averse: How to get your groove on in a burqini

caplaboratorytestnametestname, Posted August 8, 2016 at 2:10 pm | Permalink

Bad boy, bad girl! How you’re harming your dog by indoctrinating them into the gender binary.

Øystein, Posted August 8, 2016 at 2:18 pm

The new rape: Words can be painful. so why do we insist on maintaining the archaic distinction between offensive comments and physical assaults?

simiiformes, Posted August 8, 2016 at 12:46 pm

Father’s day celebration triggers a painful reminder of patriarchy in college students

Cole, Posted August 8, 2016 at 10:37 am

Students Petition Dean’s Resignation After Insensitive Calls For “Open Dialogue”

And. . . . the WINNER! (Illustration contributed by JAC):

Aneris, Posted August 8, 2016 at 8:03 pm 

RAMADAN IS FOR EVERYONE: GENIUS WAYS HOW TO AVOID CULTURAL APPROPRIATION WITH LIGHT DAY-EATING 

Dates-600x421

Honorable mention from Aneris:

How to PERFECTLY Boil Water in a Watercooker in 5 Simple Steps

 

Aneris can write me to claim his/her prize.

27 Comments

  1. ThyroidPlanet
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 9:09 am | Permalink

    DO IT AGAIN (The contest)!
    MOAR!

  2. Sastra
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 9:12 am | Permalink

    GENIUS!

  3. GBJames
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    Excellent!

  4. ThyroidPlanet
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    [google suggested search for “Huffington post headlines terrible]

    ‘Huffington Post’ Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine

    Horrified Workers Watch As Colleague Torn Apart By Powerful Content-Gathering Engine
    :
    http://www.theonion.com/article/huffington-post-employee-sucked-into-aggregation-t-27244

    That’s from February 2, 2012 … Ahead of our time…

  5. infiniteimprobabilit
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    Altogether a classic collection. Well done all contributors!

    (I was a little disappointed that Googling shows that “Kim K’s naked ping pong match in Madison Square Garden” was imaginary. Though it did incidentally reveal that ping pong conforms to Rule 34, though).

    cr

    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted August 22, 2016 at 7:05 pm | Permalink

      Ping-pong’s adherence to Rule 34 pre-dates the existence of the Internet.
      Hmmm.
      No match for domain "WWW.WIFF-WAFF-PR0N.COM".
      >>> Last update of whois database: Tue, 23 Aug 2016 00:03:42 GMT <<<
      ‘Scuse me, I’ve got some website design to do.

    • Saul Sorrell-Till
      Posted August 23, 2016 at 4:53 am | Permalink

      I enjoyed it greatly, even though it was only imaginary. In my head I had a good view.

      • infiniteimprobabilit
        Posted August 23, 2016 at 5:19 am | Permalink

        I saw it too. In my head. My brain seems to be fully Rule 34 compliant. 😉

        cr

        • Saul Sorrell-Till
          Posted August 23, 2016 at 7:06 am | Permalink

          I must say, table-tennis rules probably weren’t at the forefront of my mind when that image popped into my head. It was just a dream I had, a beautiful dream – like Martin Luther King’s, only with a naked Kim Kardashian playing ping-pong in it.

        • Saul Sorrell-Till
          Posted August 23, 2016 at 9:51 am | Permalink

          Okay, I had no idea what you were talking about – so I googled ‘Rule 34′. I now know it’s not about ping-pong.

          I then did some further googling(searching for various of my favourite childhood cartoon characters and Saturday-morning kids’ TV presenters) and I can confirm both that Rule 34 seems to hold up to scrutiny, and that it is not possible to unsee things once you’ve seen them.

  6. W.Benson
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 9:57 am | Permalink

    Kudos to all!!!

    • kieran
      Posted August 22, 2016 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

      I voted for Kang

  7. Claudia Baker
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    Love this. Great entertainment, your contests.

  8. steve oberski
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 10:52 am | Permalink


    A selfie-stick and an iPhone: how men over 40 are doing their own colonoscopies.

    Smartphone App for
    Android and iPhones

    Colonoscopy Helper is the first smartphone app that provides complete, step-by-step multi-media instructions for colonoscopy bowel preparation

  9. Kevin
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    These are really good.

    It’s impressive that humans have managed to make it this long on the planet when I think of the seriousness that many of my co-inhabitants take these types of articles, real or satirical.

  10. fjordaniv
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 11:05 am | Permalink

    Love it! I could see any of these appearing on PuffHo.

    Perhaps the next contest could parody Slate?

    • Ken Pidcock
      Posted August 22, 2016 at 5:30 pm | Permalink

      Headline Satires Aren’t Helping

  11. George
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 11:18 am | Permalink

    How long until these stories appear in HuffPo – without any attribution.

  12. Posted August 22, 2016 at 11:34 am | Permalink

    Excellent contributions from everyone who participated. Alas, “Is science racist? How the scientific method invalidates marginalized cultures that rely on oral tradition” is likely findable in the pomo science studies literature already. (With less clear title – through in a few more “hegemonic” and “decentering” and such.)

  13. Mark Sturtevant
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 11:52 am | Permalink

    Totally titillating. I only wish I could have thought of one. Just one, dammitt.

  14. Christoph
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

    Loved the contest. More please!

  15. allison
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 12:33 pm | Permalink

    Congratulations, Aneris! Not bad for a slymepitter!

  16. bluemaas
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 4:53 pm | Permalink

    Next .likely. HoPuff clickbait ! = “How popular is the baby name, Aneris ? Learn about the meaning, the origin and the popularity of the name, Aneris !”

    Congratulations, Kiddo !

    Great fun for Us Readers your contests, Dr Coyne !

    Blue

  17. Ken Pidcock
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 5:32 pm | Permalink

    In my contest, Shwell Thanksh would win. One Fearless Midwife Explains Why She’s Standing Up For GMO-Labelling of Zika Vaccines That one really seems authentic.

  18. Shwell Thanksh
    Posted August 22, 2016 at 7:20 pm | Permalink

    Thanksh kindly!
    I did worry at the time that it might take a few seconds of reflection for the punchline to really sink in. 🙂

  19. Saul Sorrell-Till
    Posted August 23, 2016 at 9:54 am | Permalink

    Debbj…genius stuff.

  20. Posted August 23, 2016 at 12:47 pm | Permalink

    W00t! Didn’t expect this with the stiff competition. I am somewhat off-grid for a few more days, I’ll write in then. Thanks for the opportunity! Cheers.


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