I got groped again

This is getting depressingly tedious, and I’m starting to think that “TSA” stands for “Terrorist: Squeeze his Ass.”  With wallet, belt, keys, change, and all other things removed from my clothing, I still set off the detector in the See-You-Naked Machine, and the problematic area was the same as always: a yellow patch on my right buttock (or left; I can’t tell from the diagram). That earned me a full patdown, this time with the agent running his hands inside my waistband as well as groping both buttocks (“with the back of my hands”—does that make it better?) and running his hands inside my thighs from the knees to the groin. And they swabbed my hands for explosives. Of course they found nothing.

Now it’s 4:25 in the morning (I have a 6 a.m. flight) and, after buying a “blueberry” muffin and a coffee, I discovered that the muffin had exactly ONE blueberry in it. But I nommed it before I could photograph it. Now I will write a few posts and fume at the TSA. For the first time ever, I glared at the agent who was goosing me.

 

58 Comments

  1. George
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    Jerry, you just have to accept that you have a cute ass.

  2. Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:26 am | Permalink

    It’s like getting a colonoscopy. You just have to relax and enjoy it.

  3. Ken Elliott
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:30 am | Permalink

    If I recall correctly, the yellow patch consistently shows up in x-ray, right? I haven’t caught whether you’ve ever considered getting it checked out medically. I can envision a best case scenario where whatever this is can be named and perhaps explained at TSA on future flights. Worst case is, of course, having to go through this humiliation each time, and I thoroughly empathize with you on that horrible thought.

    • gluonspring
      Posted June 1, 2016 at 10:23 am | Permalink

      Scanners see perspiration as weapon

      Maybe JC has a sweaty buttock?

      The article also mentions folds in clothes as a common reason for false positives. In the name of science maybe JC should try wearing different underwear when he goes through, or putting his wallet in a different pocket that day, since maybe having a wallet in the pocket on one side causes sweat there… or a fold in the cloth underneath, or an asymmetry in the butt hairs that the stupid software thinks is suspicious… who knows?

    • Posted June 1, 2016 at 12:14 pm | Permalink

      I think that the aliens implanted a device there when they abducted JAC.

      • gravelinspector-Aidan
        Posted June 2, 2016 at 7:55 pm | Permalink

        It’s a tracking beacon so they can get him back.

    • Posted June 13, 2016 at 9:40 pm | Permalink

      Jerry, could it be heterotopic ossification from a very old injury? If so, it should show on a simple xray, and then maybe you can get a doctor’s note that says, “Dear TSA: No need to grope. Spot on buttock is medical, not terrorist.”

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted June 14, 2016 at 5:59 pm | Permalink

        In a weird paradox, perhaps it was the groping that caused the ossification.

        • Posted June 14, 2016 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

          Or perhaps being ossified prior to boarding would aid in tolerating the groping?

        • Posted June 14, 2016 at 10:40 pm | Permalink

          Ha!

          And ouchie!!

  4. Guy
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:32 am | Permalink

    that’s absolutely outrageous! What an insulting experience! I honestly don’t know how people still show up at the airport if this is the treatment they get. ONE BLUEBERRY???

  5. TJR
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:35 am | Permalink

    One of my colleagues is from Pakistan and travels to the US regularly. He says that he *always* gets “randomly” picked out to be fully searched.

    • Posted June 1, 2016 at 11:50 am | Permalink

      Does your friend have a Pakistani name? Unfortunately name collisions are a thing on some of these “lists”.

      • TJR
        Posted June 1, 2016 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

        Yes, fair point, though its not “Mo” so that reduces the likely coincidences.

  6. Cheyney Rushing
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    So… did you ask for one blueberry muffin instead of a blueberries muffin?

  7. Randall Schenck
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:42 am | Permalink

    This is why the extreme lines at the airports. They are spending way too much time on PCC.

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:42 am | Permalink

      Yes, instead of “extreme” lines, they should have “extremist” lines so the rest of us can go through….but that would be profiling and liberals are against that. 😉

      • Randall Schenck
        Posted June 1, 2016 at 10:29 am | Permalink

        Yes, but apparently there is only one extremist they are after so let them go after PCC and the rest of us can get on the plane. We sometimes have to sacrifice the few for the many. HA

  8. Hempenstein
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 8:44 am | Permalink

    $85 should liberate you from this.

    • Karen Bartelt
      Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:48 am | Permalink

      Not if you have a joint replacement. I’d be happy to pay $85 and “just” go through the metal detector, but I’d still fail 100% of the time and get the grope. At least with the Xray , I only get the yellow glob occasionally (often a shoulder), and so far they seem to just grope a small area. I also got a lorazepam rx from my PCP, so I am mellow when I go through.

  9. Cameron
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:07 am | Permalink

    Next time this happens, look the agent in the eye and gently moan as he/she works. The “pat-down” will end quickly due to the powerful effect of awkwardness.

    • darrelle
      Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:19 am | Permalink

      I would pay money to see this.

    • Kevin
      Posted June 2, 2016 at 10:25 am | Permalink

      I can actually cause my legs to quiver, as if in ecstasy. It makes the groper very nervous.

  10. Hal Broker
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:16 am | Permalink

    One blueberry! Where’s “Ace” when you need him?

  11. Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    That earned me a full patdown, this time with the agent running his hands inside my waistband as well as groping both buttocks… and running his hands inside my thighs from the knees to the groin.

    Um… that passage was kind of… um… exciting. Have you considered a foray into another style of writing? You never know…

    • Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:29 am | Permalink

      “Fifty Shades of TSA” ?

      “TSA T & A” ?

      Just floating a few ideas here…

      • TJR
        Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:34 am | Permalink

        Rule 34 of the internet says that “Fifty Shades of TSA” must already exist, but I don’t dare search for it……

        • John Dentinger
          Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:43 am | Permalink

          Sexy? Of course–PCC has been hanging out with the sexiest of creatures for years–I mean, can you imagine “Dogwoman?”

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:45 am | Permalink

        50 Nerds of Grey exists and it’s hilarious.

        • merilee
          Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:48 am | Permalink

          Hilarious!! I love that actor in The IT Crowd (whose name escapes me. I think he’s Norwegian-Nigerian Brit).

        • HaggisForBrains
          Posted June 2, 2016 at 5:18 am | Permalink

          That is brilliant. And it’s Richard Ayoade.

          This is my favourite: ‘Is that an asthma inhaler in your pocket, or are you just ambivalent about seeing me?’

          • Diana MacPherson
            Posted June 2, 2016 at 9:44 am | Permalink

            I know it’s great but I don’t think it’s really Richard Ayoade; the writer just used his image as Moss. The image, however, made me read all the tweets in Moss’s voice, which made the whole thing even funnier! I liked this one best:

            His tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression

            I also loved the Windows 10 part because it’s so true:

            ‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
            ‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

            And this one:

            She said she was turned on by dangerous men . . . so he disabled his firewall.

      • Posted June 1, 2016 at 1:08 pm | Permalink

        TSA = TOUCH SOME AR5E!

  12. merilee
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    Some guys have all the luck…

  13. Taz
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    My coach always told me to get the lead out of my ass, but he was speaking metaphorically.

  14. Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    Well, it was a “blueberry” muffin, not a “blueberries” muffin.

    • Posted June 1, 2016 at 11:52 am | Permalink

      As a Chinese-born physics instructor I had once explained something like this: “‘Fried noodle’? Of course there’s more than one! In Chinese (sic: i.e., Mandarin) we don’t bother saying so.”

      • merilee
        Posted June 1, 2016 at 12:29 pm | Permalink

        I took a Szechuan cooking class years ago and the delightful teacher always talked about putting the chickens on the noodle. I always pictured a line of live chickens perched on an outstretched noodle…

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted June 1, 2016 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

          Haha! See I’d think that too and laugh at the image and everyone would think I was being intolerant of the instructor’s English when really I was laughing at a stupid image my brain conjured up.
          🐔

  15. Peter Austin
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    I wonder how those ‘TSA-PRE’ qualifications are handed out. The official word is that they’re generated randomly .. but that can’t possibly be true: I fly on average 4 to 6 times a year, and for YEARS now I have ALWAYS had ‘TSA-PRE’ printed on my boarding pass .. more or less waved through at TSA check points: no hassle with removing belts, shoes, etc. Not to mention the lack of a lines. Clearly, I’m not complaining .. but how does that work?

    Does the airline have a say in it? (Frequent fliers get a pass, for instance?) Is it somehow linked to the database of people having a TS security clearance (I held one once)?

    • Posted June 2, 2016 at 8:46 am | Permalink

      I had a Secret clearance at one point due to the nature of the software I was writing for military aircraft. This never translated into an automatic enrollment into TSA pre-check. My mom, however, is anot awards member with Southwest Airlines and she was enrolled by the airline without doing anything. I’m absolutely convinced that the whole program is an exercise in futility.

  16. Posted June 1, 2016 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    TSA = TOUCH SOME AR5E!!!

    • David Duncan
      Posted June 1, 2016 at 1:34 pm | Permalink

      Tit Squeezing Authority
      Testicle Squeezing Authority

  17. Posted June 1, 2016 at 10:05 am | Permalink

    I have a brown friend (Jesus) who was running a race in Ottawa and got detained by VT border patrol. Barely made it to his home airport in time to go directly to work.

  18. Petrushka
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 10:11 am | Permalink

    I have two spots, shoulder and upper arm that show up on the scan. No idea why, but at least they aren’t humiliating when groped.

  19. Ken Kukec
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    … the muffin had exactly ONE blueberry in it.

    The airport food court clearly needs to put Ace Rothstein in charge of its muffin concession.

  20. mordacious1
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 10:41 am | Permalink

    Maybe switching to bottled water would help? Too many heavy metals in that tap water (Excuse me while I call a cab).

  21. Torbjörn Larsson
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 11:22 am | Permalink

    Maybe that is the only way for TSA to get gropees.

  22. Ken Kukec
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 12:23 pm | Permalink

    … a full patdown, this time with the agent running his hands inside my waistband as well as groping both buttocks (“with the back of my hands”—does that make it better?)

    For you or for him?

  23. JonLynnHarvey
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

    JAC, does that yellow patch on your buttock bear the slightest resemblance to this??

  24. keith cook + / -
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 4:36 pm | Permalink

    The moisture theory may have some merit, assuming this ‘indicator’ is on the same side as the wallet.
    Yes well, all that groping is built into the price of the ticket. A non negotiable religion imposed ritual of the air travel experience.
    Kindly brought to you by:
    Islam, the only way to fly.
    Occasionally though the sub sponsor:
    Demented Nuts, The nut for all occasions.
    And the lone blueberry? very sad. The rest of them must have found their freedom.

  25. Posted June 1, 2016 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    Maybe the agents are dog lovers!

  26. Ken Phelps
    Posted June 1, 2016 at 6:06 pm | Permalink

    Having recently popped out an inguinal hernia, I’m wearing a truss pending surgery. Got quite an exam from security leaving Amsterdam last weekend. Very polite guy, but his exam felt exactly like the surgeon probing around. Almost like he was checking the hernia itself, not the appliance.

  27. Posted June 2, 2016 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    I don’t want to fly anymore.

  28. Mark Cagnetta
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 11:07 am | Permalink

    I was once assaulted/groped because they discovered a tissue in my front pocket!

    • Posted June 2, 2016 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

      You should’ve told them that’s just to clean up any mess after your semipublic rendezvous with them.

  29. gravelinspector-Aidan
    Posted June 2, 2016 at 8:06 pm | Permalink

    And they swabbed my hands for explosives. Of course they found nothing.

    Just as well you hadn’t been playing cards before being swabbed.
    (Reference : Birmingham Six who’re back in the news. Again.)


%d bloggers like this: