Rapture notice

If you got one of these on Friday, don’t despair. I’m sure you’ll get another chance.

h/t: JBillie


  1. onkelbob
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 5:55 am | Permalink

    I received one, but the reason for non retrieval was that “Not even Jesus loves you.” Made me feel all warm inside. :^)

  2. Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:03 am | Permalink

    Just go to the nearest branch office and ask for the general manager to perform a transformation using your tracking number for air courier services.

  3. Julio Ibanez
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:17 am | Permalink

    Regarding the Justin Bieber Tribulation phase:

    I KNEW IT!!!

  4. Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:23 am | Permalink

    Fantastic. Explains why nothing happened.

  5. gk4c4
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:35 am | Permalink

    Very naughty!

    Definitely no invitation next time, especially since we planned to install the incognito-hexus next time! We the elects, the yoda-certified ones, will just vanish with no warning! no signs no returns!

    LOLz indeed!

  6. Bob
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:47 am | Permalink

    It never fails to amaze me how much self-satisfaction something like this lends to the dim-witted atheist community. It’s apparently perceived as a huge victory for ‘your side’ whenever some crackpot comes up with something like this – apparently not understanding what’s actually in the Bible.

    Please allow me to remind you that, at the same time as the media went wild with this ridiculous prediction, Barack Obama’s hand-picked golden-child of the CDC actually released a public warning on how to prepare yourself for a Zombie Apocalypse – after a study whose cost I’m sure topped six figures.

    So reflect on this: while persons of varying degrees of intelligence believe in some or all aspects of what’s written in the Bible, only an idiot believes in Zombie Apocalypse, and only an even more profound idiot would put THAT idiot in charge of one of the most important branches of the government.

    But only a THUNDERING MORON would VOTE for the idiot who elevated the other idiot, which I am sure that all of the fans of this website plan to do in 2012.

    Have a nice smug

    • whyevolutionistrue
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:50 am | Permalink

      Apparently you don’t realize that the Zombie Apocalypse thing was a joke. Go haunt some other website.

      • Bob
        Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:53 am | Permalink

        Actually, no, the Zombie Apocalypse is an official part of the CDC’s emergency response plan and was pointed out quite emphatically to be ‘not a joke.’

        • nichole
          Posted May 23, 2011 at 5:44 pm | Permalink

          …as if there was a shadow of a doubt as to whether or not Bob got the joke…

          • Ichthyic
            Posted May 23, 2011 at 5:48 pm | Permalink

            no bob’s right.

            technically, it was satire intended to draw attention.

            it wasn’t a joke.

            oh, wait, you mean Bob didn’t even get the satire?


            sucks to be Bob.

      • Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:03 am | Permalink

        Whomever would’ve guessed…rapture was..in my Daughters words..an “epic fail”..

      • Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:08 am | Permalink

        @ Bob. I suppose you also go to church on Sunday??

      • Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:09 am | Permalink

        I think somebody gets lots of things forwarded to him– things filled with large type and lots of capital letters and forwarded to 347 other recipients.

        • Diane G.
          Posted May 24, 2011 at 1:19 am | Permalink


      • Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:05 am | Permalink

        Actually, all you evidently know about what is in the bible is what your pastor, minister, or etc, tells you is in the bible. Anyone who actually reads the bible, understands it for what it truly is, usually becomes a non-believer.

    • Leslie
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:06 am | Permalink

      Wow. I’m all ashamed now. I’ve sure been told. I’m now heading to church and will proceed to ignore all THUNDERING MORONS. Wait, what?

    • Sean Murphy
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:14 am | Permalink

      Please remember that many of the kinds of things you’d need to include in an emergency kit for a Zombie Apocalypse would also be useful during an earthquake, or hurricane, or tornado, or flood. Or if you’re left behind after the Rapture, even.

    • JBlilie
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:24 am | Permalink

      You make it REALLY easy to feel smug!

      • Torbjörn Larsson, OM
        Posted May 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm | Permalink

        And self-satisfied. … oh, wait.

        [The irony in writing a troll post and referring to self-satisfaction is THUNDERING.]

    • JBlilie
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:27 am | Permalink

      Bob: What you’re not getting here is that all of religion looks this ridiculous to us.

      If you are a Christian, then presumably you believe that the whole end of the world, second coming thing is going to happen some day, yes?

      The fact that you haven’t predicted a date for this does NOT make you seem more reasonable to a skeptical person than the people predicting 21-May-2011, 18:00 CDT.

      It’s all LOLz to us, Bob.

    • JBlilie
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:28 am | Permalink

      … And please: get a sense of humor. One of the least attractive things about outspoken religious people: A conspicuous lack of a sense of humor.

      • Diane G.
        Posted May 24, 2011 at 1:22 am | Permalink

        But he was surprisingly grammatically correct compared to your average godbot troll…

    • Kevin Anthoney
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:57 am | Permalink

      Zombie uprisings have happened before, you know:

      The Great Zombie Uprising of 33 A.D.

    • Matthew Cobb
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:06 am | Permalink

      “The CDC, which has its headquarters in Druid Hills, has described the campaign as “kind of tongue-in-cheek” after officials bemoaned the difficulty of getting the general public to pay attention to calls to prepare for disasters. It appears to have worked.”

    • Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:39 am | Permalink

      Wait a minute — you, a Christian, are making fun of zombies?

      Now that’s rich.

      So, tell us. What do you call somebody who died a brutal death, rose bodily from the grave with his gaping wounds still open, and who proceeded to order his thralls to stick their fingers in his sides and fondle his intestines in order to prove his bona fides?

      You churchgoers may well sing his praises, but the rest of us are reachin’ for our shotguns and aimin’ for the head.

      Well, not really, of course. See, those of us who are “unchurched” are capable of distinguishing fantasy from reality. So, it’s more like, we’re reachin’ for the popcorn and laughing our asses off.

      At you.



    • sasqwatch
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 9:26 am | Permalink

      Personally, I’m reaching for the Jeez-doodles.

      • Diane G.
        Posted May 24, 2011 at 1:23 am | Permalink


    • Monado, FCD
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 11:57 am | Permalink

      Apparently you don’t realize that the “Zombie Prep” page was a way of making standard Emergency Preparedness measures both interesting and memorable.

      • Filippo
        Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:23 pm | Permalink

        Yes, unfortunately, it seems that many if not most Amuricuns have to be entertained to get them to pay attention to anything.

    • Kevin
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

      Gad, you’re an idiot.

      Did you actually read the Zombie Apocalypse post from the CDC? I did. It was hilarious. And, more to the point, completely on-point and informative about emergency preparedness for the non-Zombie Apocalypse situations people are finding themselves in … well … today in Missouri, for example.

      I’ll bet the cost of that post ran into the tens of dollars.

      I’m not Dr. Coyne, but if you think this type of non-thinking is going to gain traction with the audience of this site, you’re sadly and seriously mistaken.

    • Filippo
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:25 pm | Permalink

      How old is the Earth? How do you know that?

    • Alex SL
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

      Come on, this must be a Poe. Please, it must be. Nobody could be so… but then again, Camping’s followers are. Hm.

      not understanding what’s actually in the Bible.

      What’s actually in the bible is Jesus’ promise that the end of the world would happen within the lifetime of his contemporaries.

      I know that some people, like Ebonmuse, argue that Jesus most likely never existed but his life stories were meant as parables, as a novel. But it is embarrassing details like this which do not seems to fit that conclusion and seem to make it more probable to me that he existed, and that he was merely another raving doomsday cultist like so many others throughout history.

      • SAWells
        Posted May 23, 2011 at 11:17 pm | Permalink

        No, it just means that the people making up Gospel-Jesus were raving doomsday cultists.

        • Alex SL
          Posted May 24, 2011 at 5:45 am | Permalink

          The way I understand it, the theory is that he never existed at all, that the gospels were meant to be read a bit like inspirational novels, and that everybody at the time they circulated among the early Christians knew that they were fiction. See this page and the three chapters it links to: http://www.ebonmusings.org/atheism/camel.html.

          I am just saying that the gospels seem to contain too many embarrassing things to convince that they are entirely made up; ridiculously obvious contradictions, failed prophecies, temper tantrums of the presumed messiah just after he preached that everybody should be gentle, and then of course how he cursed the fig tree because it did not bear fruit out of season. Would you, if you could create your saviour story out of whole cloth, produce such a terrible mess?

          Christianity actually being the syncretism of a Hellenic philosophical movement and a Jewish sect does not preclude the possibility that at the root of the Jewish sect may originally have been some kind of third rate failed doomsday cultist. Obviously his importance will have been vastly exaggerated and his miracle healings invented, but who would invent some of the sillier parts of the story if they could avoid them?

      • Kevin Anthoney
        Posted May 24, 2011 at 2:38 am | Permalink

        I’d agree that at least some of the stories are based on real events. For example, the one about Jesus in the wilderness just has to be based on something that actually happened – nobody would have made up a story where Jesus wanders around not performing miracles.

        That doesn’t necessarily mean that Jesus was real, of course – he could just as easily be a character based on stories that happened to be floating around at the time.

  7. Posted May 23, 2011 at 7:04 am | Permalink

    “… apparently not understanding what’s actually in the Bible.”

    You mean the same shit that led to this kind of nonsense to begin with?

    • Kevin
      Posted May 23, 2011 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

      …some people seem to think that we’re completely unacquainted with that particular book of myths.

      Fables, “just so” fairy stories, revisionist Jewish history, and dietary guidelines for people with no ice.

      • Posted May 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm | Permalink

        Including fig homicide. Matthew 21:19

        • Kevin
          Posted May 23, 2011 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

          …One of my all-time favorites.

          That and sending demons into swine and sending them off a cliff and into a lake. Matthew 8:28-33.

          That whacky Jesus.

  8. Phere
    Posted May 23, 2011 at 6:00 pm | Permalink

    Um…wow…dim-witted as we may be we know plenty of what is in the Bible – most of the time that is exactly what turned us off to it in the first place. I don’t care if you don’t like us laughing and poking fun – you deserve the ridicule.

  9. Kevin Anthoney
    Posted May 24, 2011 at 1:37 am | Permalink

    We will indeed get another chance. The Rapture is now rescheduled for October 21, 2011:


  10. MadScientist
    Posted May 24, 2011 at 4:48 am | Permalink

    Some great quotes from Camping:

    “I’m not a genius, and I pray all the time for wisdom”

    “We’re in the business of telling people maybe there is someone you can talk to, and that’s God.”

    Well, obviously (1) isn’t working – he’s not getting any wisdom from god, or any other source for that matter. That makes (2) somewhat moot – why the hell talk to god when he doesn’t care to act anyway (for example, no wisdom for Camping and no Rapture) – and that’s being extremely generous by assuming that there is a god to talk to, which there clearly isn’t.

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