A physics joke

From reader Ginger K:

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.  The priest says, “Hey, you can’t be in here!”
To which the Higgs replies, “Why not?  You can’t have mass without me.”

Tip your waitress, folks! And don’t forget to try the roast beef.

46 Comments

  1. Lianne Byram
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 8:50 am | Permalink

    Cute. :)

  2. Posted October 27, 2013 at 8:51 am | Permalink

    sub

  3. Posted October 27, 2013 at 8:54 am | Permalink

    One atom says to another, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes — I’m positive!”

    If you don’t care for beef, at least try the lobster….

    b&

    • gravelinspector-Aidan
      Posted October 27, 2013 at 4:08 pm | Permalink

      What are the charges raised against the crustacean?
      (Tried lobster once ; won’t bother again.)

      • Posted October 27, 2013 at 8:19 pm | Permalink

        The charges are direct; this is a strictly Edison shop.

        Cheers,

        b&

        • gravelinspector-Aidan
          Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

          So, no Westinghouse fried elephant on the menu then?

      • jeremyp
        Posted October 28, 2013 at 4:58 am | Permalink

        http://xkcd.com/1268/

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted October 28, 2013 at 6:06 am | Permalink

          That xkcd is true. I imagine spiders taste like lobster & the big ones are eaten in some places in the world.

        • gravelinspector-Aidan
          Posted October 29, 2013 at 4:33 am | Permalink

          There are people who occasionally eat spiders. I’ve seen reports from the South American jungles and Sarawak. I’d be surprised if there weren’t others.

  4. Diana MacPherson
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:02 am | Permalink

    What Jules thinks about calling the Higgs the “God Particle”.

  5. Diana MacPherson
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:11 am | Permalink

    In = on. :)

  6. Jamie
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    Great joke, but I like this version:

    A Higgs boson is stopped at the door of a church by a priest. “Ah! You’re here to confess?” “No,” says the boson, “I’m here to provide the mass.”

  7. Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:20 am | Permalink

    Has everyone here seen this excellent song about string theory?
    Bohemian Gravity.
    You can also watch an earlier one he did about the Higgs boson.

  8. Torbjörn Larsson, OM
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:25 am | Permalink

    An enduring mystery of physics is how physics jokes can be funny, yet no one has found the required hilaron.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted October 27, 2013 at 1:30 pm | Permalink

      hilarion sounds better and works better from one angle, but I can see why you dropped the i. But i would still have kept it in.

    • Posted October 28, 2013 at 7:03 am | Permalink

      This can be explained by the inhibitory effect caused by a failure to detect the graviton.

  9. Occam
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:30 am | Permalink

    Nice one.
    A variant made the rounds last year:

    A priest, a Higgs boson and a neutrino walk into a bar. The bartender asks: “Say, what do you guys do for a living?”
    The Priest and the Higgs say: ”I give mass.”
    The neutrino frowns: “Not my field.”

  10. gravityfly
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    Hehe…good one!

  11. Steven Obrebski
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 10:24 am | Permalink

    Why is physics like sex?
    It may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it! (Richard Feynman).

    More physics jokes at

    http://www.paulruffle.com/physicsjokes.htm

    And one of mine:

    A Higgs Boson went into a gym to work out and lose weight but it was a massive failure and the gym instructor said “Mr Higgs Boson, this is clearly not your field”.

    I will suffer whatever opprobrium this generates in silence.

    • Posted October 27, 2013 at 10:30 am | Permalink

      I will suffer whatever opprobrium this generates in silence.

      Not after we subject you to the Comfy Chair. Ha! Bet you didn’t expect that!

      b&

      • Steven Obrebski
        Posted October 27, 2013 at 10:41 am | Permalink

        Sorry for being so dense (it the Higgs
        Bosons fault) but what is the Comfy Chair
        and what happens when I am subjected to it???

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted October 27, 2013 at 10:50 am | Permalink

          It’s Python. :)

          • Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:00 am | Permalink

            …but it works just as well in Perl or Ruby….

            b&

        • Posted October 27, 2013 at 10:54 am | Permalink

          What happens when you’re subjected to the Comfy Chair?

          Why, of course, you confess! Confess! CONFESS!

          Cheers,

          b&

          • Steven Obrebski
            Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:03 am | Permalink

            Still don’t get it, nor the Python
            reference. Python is a programming language isn’t it?
            For not helping me with this I punish you with
            the following:
            Another physics joke (or pun) from yours truly:

            A Higgs Boson barged into a particle party to which it was not invited past the W and Z bosons that tried to keep it out but were too weak to resist.

            To get this one check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W_and_Z_bosons.

            Isn’t it awful.

            And I’m too weak to resist trying to make up these jokes.
            I drove a good friend to distraction with my
            Bagel jokes, but finally ran out of possibilities. So watch out!!

            • Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:09 am | Permalink

              Erm…well…you claimed you would remain silent…and I countered that you wouldn’t after being subjected to the Comfy Chair, the most horrific imaginable torture device.

              And the skit was by Monty Python…but Python is also the name of a scripting language, and Perl and Ruby are also scripting languages….

              b&

              • Steven Obrebski
                Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:25 am | Permalink

                Well I wasn’t silent because I didn’t
                understand that the comments were opprobrium.
                So I didn’t lie. Besides I am too dense to be insulted. I’ll have to check out the Monty Python skit.

                This reminds me of a Fernandel film, Francois Premier, in which his character travels back in time and is tortured by the clergy by having salt put on the bottom of his bare feet and a goat lick the salt off, tickling him ferociously. Is the Comfy Chair something like that??

              • Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:31 am | Permalink

                You might have missed it, but I linked to the Comfy Chair skit in an earlier response….

                b&

              • Steven Obrebski
                Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:36 am | Permalink

                Hello Ben

                I finally checked out the Comfy Chair
                in which the lady was to stau until lunchtime.
                I see that its lunchtime for me now so the
                torture will stop.

                Thanks

              • Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:44 am | Permalink

                Well, at least I was right that you didn’t expect it….

                b&

              • Posted October 27, 2013 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

                Ok, everybody.

                I think it’s time we put this joke into hospice and just let it die peacefully.

              • Posted October 27, 2013 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

                I dunno…perhaps if we explain it sufficiently, it’ll get toxic….

                b&

  12. Dennis Hansen
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 10:52 am | Permalink

    A neutrino walks into a bar. “What do you want to drink?”, asks the bartender; the neutrino answers, “Nothing, just passing through”.

  13. Posted October 27, 2013 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    Did you hear about the optics researcher who fell into his own lens-grinding machine?

    He made a spectacle of himself.

  14. brian mohammed
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 1:17 pm | Permalink

    Or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbrbrzT56pU

  15. Joe
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 3:54 pm | Permalink

    Thanks, Brian Mohammed. I smiled at most of those (the ones I got), but laughed out loud at the dozen loaves of bread! Good one!

  16. wildhog
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 6:33 pm | Permalink

    The “And don’t forget to try the roast beef.” was funnier than the physics joke. :-)

  17. Posted October 28, 2013 at 1:47 am | Permalink

    A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest says, “Hey, you can’t be in here!”
    To which the Higgs replies, “Why not? You can’t have mass without me.”
    Then the priest shrugged and said “It doesn’t really matter.”

  18. Posted October 28, 2013 at 4:29 am | Permalink

    A policeman pulls over an electron on a motorway and says “Excuse me, sir, did you know you were going at 85mph?”
    The electron scowls at him and replies “Oh great. Now I’m lost.”

  19. jeremyp
    Posted October 28, 2013 at 5:02 am | Permalink

    A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church. The priest says, “Hey, you can’t be in here!”
    To which the Higgs replies, “Why not? You can’t have mass without me.” The priest says “yes, but there’s evidence you exist.”

  20. moarscienceplz
    Posted October 28, 2013 at 1:19 pm | Permalink

    Rene Descartes walks into his neighborhood bar. The bartender asks, “Will you be having your usual, sir?” Descartes replies, “I think not”, and promptly disappears.

  21. moarscienceplz
    Posted October 28, 2013 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

    There was a young man named Fisk.
    Whose fencing was agile and brisk.
    So swift was his action
    the FitzGerald contraction
    diminished his sword to a disk.

  22. timothya
    Posted October 29, 2013 at 2:41 am | Permalink

    A fermion walks into a bar . . .


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