Three jokes I made up

It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m worn out from reading about duck genitals and the pheromones of corn borers all day (required reading for my graduate course on speciation). As a treat (NOT), I’m going to tell you the only three jokes I’ve made up in my life. In return, you’ll tell me any jokes you’ve made up.

Here they are:

1.  Did you hear about the guy who manufactured Kleenex? He was always putting his business in other peoples’ noses.

2. What do French horses eat? Answer: haute cuisine (this is a verbal joke, and you have to pronounce the French correctly).

3. A book to be written:  I, Yam: The Autobiography of a Sweet Potato.

 

I’ll be here all week, folks, and don’t forget to tip the waitress.

 

210 Comments

  1. lamacher
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    Well, I suppose they’re better than Grade 6 jokes, but not much!

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:09 pm | Permalink

      You don’t know how to behave on someone’s website, do you?

      • lamacher
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

        It was meant tobe a little gentle ribbing, that’s all. Sorry if it insulted you. I’ve been around this site for several years, so yeah! I thought I understood your sense of humor. Guess not.

        • robin
          Posted May 1, 2013 at 7:45 am | Permalink

          Yeah, Jerry’s response did seem a bit touchy, didn’t it.

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

      C’mon!

      • JohnnieCanuck
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

        Testes, isn’t he. Probably just too many too many examples of female ducks flying upside-down (heading for a quack-up) for him to handle.

        • Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

          Oy veh-ries!

          /@

        • Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:20 pm | Permalink

          Speaking of which, I just learned on a program showing how Peking duck is made that only the female ducks quack while the males do a little grunt. Sounds just about right, for us humanz too. :)

  2. docbill1351
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 12:58 pm | Permalink

    Kink is sound asleep on my lap and I can hear him murmur. Must be REM sleep.

    • Pete Cockerell
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

      Boo! (But I feel cool that I got it. And appropriate on a site where people are always losing their religion.)

      • docbill1351
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:56 pm | Permalink

        I enjoy obscure references and, believe me, nobody under the age of 30 has a clue. Well, that’s a general statement, too!

  3. James Lee Phelan
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

    Not a joke but a true story. I overheard a conversation between two secretaries in my office. One was bemoaning the fact that her marriage had ended in divorce and she was not awarded any alimony from her ex-husband. She said to her co-worker, “So I guess I’ll have to work for the rest of my life, if I live that long.”

    • Dave
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:57 pm | Permalink

      Ha, yes, often true stories are better. I overheard this: “I suppose it will be harder [to whatever, can't remember exactly] for us women and other minorities.”

  4. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:06 pm | Permalink

    Yep…I don’t get #2. And I’m in one of the foodie capitals of the world (we have the French Laundry for example). I guess that’s one of those things I’ve always heard in my head yet never paid attention when it was spoken aloud. Oh…speaking of humor, for our Ze Frank fans: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=BY2lUnNrWUw Grammar Police

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:19 pm | Permalink

      Haute ~ oat.

      /@

      • Jens Knudsen (Sili)
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:36 pm | Permalink

        I thought as much.

        So we have to pronounce “haute” the American way, rather than the French for it to make sense.

      • Robert
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

        Of course haute in French is not pronounced oat (maybe a particular dialect of English?) since they don’t diphthongize.

        So it still works as a verbal joke but not if you just speak both languages interchangeably cause then you don’t associate those sounds with each other.

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm | Permalink

          It sorta sounds like how a French person would say oat :D

        • Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:39 pm | Permalink

          haute : |ōt|

          oat : |ōt|

          Both pronunciations from the New Oxford American Dictionary.

          Collins English Dictionary has |ot| and |əʊt|. So, more different in standard British English than American… ?

          Close enough to work, even for a (this!) Brit.

          /@

          • Robert
            Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:42 pm | Permalink

            So you’re giving me the American way of pronouncing a French word? As I said, for a native speaker of French it’s not the same.

            Doesn’t make the joke fail, it just makes it work better when your French has an American accent.

        • Jonathan Wallace
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:44 am | Permalink

          The joke works just fine. Haute is the feminine form of the adjective and ‘oat’ is a reasonable approximation of the correct pronunciation in French. (The male form ‘haut’has a silent t).
          See http://www.larousse.fr/dictionnaires/francais/haut/39207?q=haute#39130

          • Robert
            Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

            It’s a reasonable approximation for non-native French speakers yes. That’s all I meant to say.

            I hate pedantry but I got pedantic without meaning to since this is my subject. Wasn’t trying to spoil the fun, but then again, explaining a joke usually is a clue you’re not sharing the same sense of humor so I should’ve stopped.

            • Diana MacPherson
              Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:53 pm | Permalink

              I love this blog for how we all obsess over the details. :) I’ve been saying “haute” all weekend and thinking yeah it works…then I said “oat” with a French accent and figured they sounded the same. Ha ha

      • jiten
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:08 pm | Permalink

        No, haute as in “hot” (haute pronounced the French way). This horse loves hot food!

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:32 pm | Permalink

          You must speak a different French dialect than I’ve heard, which is entirely possible.

        • Torbjörn Larsson, OM
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 4:36 am | Permalink

          That’s what I got too. Which isn’t nearly as funny. [In my defense, still on my first coffee here. Should've known I would have problems with lateral thinking.]

    • SA Gould
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:02 pm | Permalink

      Had missed that zeFrank, thank you.

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:07 pm | Permalink

        I thought it was pretty funny…I wouldn’t want to be singled out by Ze Frank, that’s for sure!

  5. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:08 pm | Permalink

    I like no. 1. A lot. Here’s mine:

    What did the Boy Scout say after fixing the car horn?

    Beep repaired.

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:36 pm | Permalink

      Good one!

  6. sheridan Jones
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    Teacher: Why are the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

    Student: Because there were so many knights?

  7. Paul Clapham
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    Oh dear. I thought it was the Scots who ate the “oat cuisine”… but as a registered Sassenach I’m not authorized to tell that joke.

    • BilBy
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:52 pm | Permalink

      Me too: my father always made the haute cuisine joke when there was porridge for breakfast

  8. phhht
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

    Didja hear about the Eskimo opthamologist?

    He was an optical Aleutian!

  9. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:17 pm | Permalink

    Man: “Ha! I turned the tables on you.”
    Other man: “That’s a switch. I’m usually the one turning the tables on you!”

    This next one isn’t a joke, but I like it:

    Looks can be deceiving, but sometimes they just look deceiving.

    • Mark Joseph
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

      “He used to be miserable and depressed, but he’s changed his life around completely. Now he’s depressed and miserable.”

  10. Kevin
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:17 pm | Permalink

    Oh dear…this is what studying duck genitalia leads you to?

    I make up tons of jokes, but they’re all spur of the moment. One of the therapists at my dad’s nursing home calls me “the funny one” to distinguish me from my very not-funny brother.

    I did write a joke about Donald Trump complaining about having a bad year; he could only buy one helicopter for his yacht. You had to be there, it’s all in the telling.

    I think neither of us should give up our day jobs.

    • Torbjörn Larsson, OM
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 4:40 am | Permalink

      It’s what happens when you can’t duck out.

  11. M Janello
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:19 pm | Permalink

    My kids and I made up these two:

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Winnie Thup!
    Winnie Thup who?
    And Tigger too!

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Owls say.
    Owls say who?
    Right!

    And this is a pretty well-mined vein, so we’re proud to have contributed.

    And I agree, No. 1 above is good. The ‘haute’ one is good too. I used to want to open a fancy porridge restaurant called “Haute Meal”

  12. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:20 pm | Permalink

    don’t forget to tip the waitress.

    The waitress deserves the tip if she’s got to listen to this routine all week.

  13. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:21 pm | Permalink

    No jokes, but I am reminded of a wedding gig I had this past summer. It was at one of those fancy Scottsdale resorts — only this one was really high-class. More marble than you can imagine in the lobby, and I could swear some of the paintings were originals. And they had a Bösendorfer in the hall where the ceremony was! Never did remember to ask if it belonged to the hall or if they had it shipped in for the ceremony.

    Anyway, as I’m getting ready, I have an urgent need for an haircut, as a couple NPR automotive personalities from Boston might say. I get directions, find my way to the facilities, and I’m again overwhelmed by the splendor. Yes, not only were the sinks gold plated, but the urinals as well. Unbelievable!

    So, after I’m done, I’m washing up, and there’s yet more extravagances, including not just toothbrushes and toothpaste, but even razors — bone-handled straight razors, no less.

    Just as I think I’ve seen it all, I notice an honest-to-Zeus tie rack right next to the towel rack, filled with nothing but the finest silk ties. Man, they think of everything! Spill soup on your tie, come here and get a replacement. Sure must be nice being the 1%!

    Right then, as I’m drying my hands, another man comes up, pulls a tie off the rack, and — instead of putting it on — uses it to wipe his feet and tosses it in a wastebasket.

    I think I managed to cover my astonishment, but I couldn’t help but ask the attendant if perhaps what I just witnessed was a bit peculiar.

    “Not at all, good sir,” he replied. “You see, these are the ties that dry men’s soles.”

    And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some urgent business to attend to….

    Cheers,

    b&

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

      Always entertaining Ben!

      (Being a guitar guy, I had to Google Bösendorfer :) )

      • Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:54 pm | Permalink

        Thanks!

        And, for those who don’t know, I play trumpet, and Bösendorfer makes some of the biggest, most impressive, most notorious, most expensive pianos. They’re big, huge beasts that really only belong in the biggest of concert halls…but wow are they majestic when played well in the right space by somebody who knows what to do with one.

        When I last visited many many moons ago, the University of Texas at El Paso had both a Bösendorfer and a Steinway D (their biggest, baddest piano) in a concert hall that really wasn’t quite big enough…and the huge bay window in the lobby overlooked a shanty town in Juarez…quite a shocking study in contrasts, I must say….

        b&

        • Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

          They’re probably most famous for their models with extra bass keys.

          I haven’t run across a piece of piano literature that requires them.

  14. Darth Dog
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    I was out driving with my wife when I saw a bumper sticker that said “Honk IFF you like formal logic”. So I honked.

    Somewhat irritated my wife asked “Was that necessary?”

    “Yes.” I replied. “Sufficient too.”

    (BTW, you can get that bumper sticker from xkcd.)

    • Ken
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:52 pm | Permalink

      Darth Dog. I love it. My online moniker is Nuclear Dog. I would say we should join forces, but I am not a scientist or anyone of above average intelligence, so I doubt I would bring much to the duo.

      • Darth Dog
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 6:03 pm | Permalink

        Sounds like a good idea. I wonder what Jerry will think when he finds out that his website is going to the dogs.

  15. Bruce S. Springsteen
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Doorbell reparirman.

  16. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    I do like the “haute cuisine” joke, though, and phhht’s joke @#7 brought a round of applause.

  17. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:24 pm | Permalink

    True joke from my dad:

    My dad’s proctologist during exam: “So, what do you do?”

    “I’m an accountant.”

    “Gad. I don’t know how you can stand to look at figures all day.”

  18. brad
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

    I am responsible for bringing two jokes into this world. First, as if said by a stand up comic: You know how some guys have a six-pack (gesturing to one’s midsection)? Well, I have a keg.

    And,

    How many absurdist playwrights does it take to change a light bulb?

    Green!

    • brad
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:28 pm | Permalink

      While we are on light bulb jokes, the one joke I sincerely wish I would have written:

      How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

      That’s not funny!

      (Apologies.)

      • Posted April 28, 2013 at 2:46 am | Permalink

        How many women with missed periods does it take to change a light-bulb?

        (*In a flood of tears*) “I DO-HO-HON’T KNO-HO-HOW!”

        • microraptor
          Posted April 28, 2013 at 12:19 pm | Permalink

          Humor: you’re doing it wrong.

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted April 28, 2013 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

          I don’t get this one, are the women with missed periods sad because:

          1) They are so stressed that they suffered hormone changes that caused this (possible stresses include starvation or disease)

          2) They realized they are in menopause and that saddens them?

          3) They are dealing with a potential unplanned pregnancy (which would totally be sad)?

          4) The took their birth control pills such that they skipped the sugar pills and that turned out badly?

          • Posted April 28, 2013 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

            3) of course. My sister screamed with laughter when I told it her, as she had just had such a scare.

            But of course I forgot, like religion, pregnancy is such a taboo subject in the US that it’s not to be joked over. Which is sad.

  19. Bruce S. Springsteen
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:32 pm | Permalink

    Speaking of ducks, I used to joke that my PhD physicist grandfather, whose manner of expression could seem particularly technical and dry in a family of poetic, emotional humanities types, didn’t just keep his ducks in a row. He “maintained collinear waterfowl.”

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

      In order to keep the fecal material from interacting with the air-circulation device …

      • Bruce S. Springsteen
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

        Grandpop, is that you?

  20. Peter
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:33 pm | Permalink

    Here’s one my little brother made up when he was six:

    Two muffins are in the oven.

    One muffin looks at the other and asks “Is it just me, or is it hot in here?”

    The second muffin screams “AHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

    • ladyatheist
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

      That one made me literally LOL

    • infiniteimprobabilit
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:17 pm | Permalink

      Oh nice! The punchline took me completely by surprise. :)

  21. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:33 pm | Permalink

    Why do grapes exist? Because they have a raisin d’être.

    /@

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

      Good one!

  22. Jonathan Smith
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:21 pm | Permalink

      You could make that Schrödinger’s cat.

  23. JBlilie
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    Good ones Dr. C.

  24. Gary W
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    Two penguins were sitting on an ice floe. One says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” First penguin replies, “What makes you think I’m not?”

  25. JBlilie
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    I don’t remember creating any worth repeating.

    My favorite though:

    What did the hotdog vendor say to the Zen master? Let me make you one with everything …

    • Walt Jones
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:18 pm | Permalink

      And then the Zen master paid with a 20, but when he asked for his change, the vendor replied, “change comes from within.”

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

        Ha ha niiiice!

    • Pete Cockerell
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

      There’s a classic video of an Australian TV presenter telling that joke to the Dalai Lama, only it was a pizza. It’s a must see, but I’m using my tablet and can’t be arsed to find it…

  26. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    Three I made up. Apologies in advance …

    1) I decided not to go skiing this winter. Well, it’s a slippery slope.

    2) I dropped an electric heater in my wife’s bath. She was incandescent.

    3) Suicide bombers: what makes them tick?

    • HaggisForBrains
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:42 am | Permalink

      Very good – do you write for Tim Vine?

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:35 am | Permalink

        No – have I inadvertently stolen some material? Wouldn’t surprise me.

        Big fan though of Tim Vine, also of Milton Jones. My favourite MJ gag (even though it’s incredibly laboured): “My grandfather was taken to hospital last week. They covered his back with grease. He went downhill very quickly after that.”
        For me, the ideal pun throws up a visual image too, it isn’t just word play.

        • HaggisForBrains
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:59 am | Permalink

          Not stolen to my knowledge, just very much his style of one-liner. Like the MJ one as well – lovely image!

  27. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    P.S. My favourite, which I can’t take credit for:

    A goes to see a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cellophane underpants. As he opens the door, the psychiatrist says “Stop right there, I can clearly see your nuts.”

    • Marta
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

      I lol’d.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:15 am | Permalink

      Paul Davies “The Mind of God…
      How to win the Templeton Million”

  28. Posted April 26, 2013 at 1:55 pm | Permalink

    Don’t give up the day job.

  29. Diana MacPherson
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    The haute cuisine one I have to say – genius. I laughed and laughed. The only jokes I’ve made up are smart ass remarks. I once had an anthropology professor that said horses were revolutionary. I then drew the horses as part of the French Revolution and instead of shouting liberté, égalité, fraternité, they were saying things like “hay, oats, sugar cubes!”

  30. Diana MacPherson
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

    Also in keeping with just acquiring knowledge to make jokes, this morning I replied to a German language teaching group on facebook, in response to their question about what we were going to do this weekend: Ich werde die Ungeborenen essen (Eier). I will eat the unborn (eggs)

    Yeah, it probably isn’t that original but I thought it was funny anyway.

  31. Juggler_Dave
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    How do you know when a pirate has gone high-tech? When he has an iPatch.

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

      That’s a good one.

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:15 pm | Permalink

      Love it!

  32. ladyatheist
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:26 pm | Permalink

    If you’re a musician you’ll get this:

    What’s the difference between a bad violinist & a car with bad brakes?

    Eventually, you can get the car to stop

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:36 pm | Permalink

      That’s why I prefer violists to violinists. No, really — violists are much more useful. For example, if you want to know if the stage is level, all you have to do is check to see if they’re drooling equally out of both sides of their mouths.

      Cheers,

      b&

      • ladyatheist
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:57 pm | Permalink

        I play viola :-p I have a million of them

        One day rehearsal was disrupted by a fight between the 2nd oboist and one of the viola players. In exasperation the conductor asked, “What is it with you two?”

        “He broke one of my reeds!” whined the oboist.

        The violist replied: “Oh yeah? Well he loosened one of my pegs and won’t tell me which one!”

        • JBlilie
          Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:16 pm | Permalink

          Oh, that’s VERY good!

      • HaggisForBrains
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:54 am | Permalink

        Reminds me of the one attributed to conductor Sir Thomas Beecham, but probably apocryphal, addressing a rather inept lady cellist, “Madam, between your legs you have a something capable of giving man infinite pleasure, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it.”

      • microraptor
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:42 am | Permalink

        My high school jazz band teacher used drummers for that joke.

    • moarscienceplz
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

      What’s the difference between a Jazz Musician and a large pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

      What do you call a Jazz Musician who just broke up with his girlfriend? “Homeless”.

      • Walt Jones
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

        Did you hear about the jazz musician who one the lottery? He kept playing gigs until the money was gone.

        • Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:19 pm | Permalink

          That’s actually true enough to be depressing.

          • microraptor
            Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:44 am | Permalink

            My high school jazz teacher would introduce his son as “the rarest kind of musician of all: the kind without a day job.”

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:09 am | Permalink

      What’s a drummer?
      Someone who hangs around with musicians.

  33. Diana MacPherson
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:35 pm | Permalink

    A book I’m always joking I’m going to write: Evolving Under Cloud Cover: The White Girl’s Guide to Sun Protection.

    I think it’s funny because you think it’s something good at first then it’s just a banal topic about some white girl trying not to get a sunburn.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:05 am | Permalink

      “Action at a Distance.
      The voyeur’s guide to sexual fulfilment”

      • Diana MacPherson
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:38 am | Permalink

        Ha ha, that’s actually pretty funny!

  34. Eric
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

    I used to dabble in competitive swimming. Not heavily though, I was just dipping my toe in, which is probably why I always finished in last.

    My girlfriend drank three cups of coffee this morning, and was full of piss and vinegar all day. She should of never left me alone with that coffee.

    • Torbjörn Larsson, OM
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 5:22 am | Permalink

      The 2nd one only works in cultures where you haven’t a taboo against messing with other people’s food. Otherwise it comes over as non-humorous vulgar.

  35. Lee
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:50 pm | Permalink

    True story:

    A friend and I were out bird watching from our car. Stopped near a farmyard. Curious farmer sauntered up wanting to know what we were doing. Told him we were looking at birds.

    He says “you must belong to one of them abdomen societies.”

  36. Dan
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 2:50 pm | Permalink

    When I was an undergraduate at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, I asked a friend how his E.E. test went. Reply: “I know so little about the subject, I can’t tell you if the exam was difficult.”

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:19 pm | Permalink

      Oh, that brings back painful memories.

  37. Occam
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    - Dan Dennett, upon being introduced to Douglas Hofstadter:
    “There’s more to me than meets the I.”

    - The polite Polynesian, exposed to offensive jokes about Polynesians:
    “Tell me Samoa.”

    - Winston Churchill, explaining nuclear brinkmanship to his cabinet via the example of a silly road game involving two drivers, both headed for a single lane bridge from opposite directions:
    “Some chicken. Some neck.”

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

      Speaking of offensive jokes… doan worry… I’m allowed to, jus’ becoz… and I didnah make it up myself..

      ” A Guyanese and Jamaican walk into a store, the Guyanese thief a chocolate bar, and when they left the store he said “Yuh see dat? Mi thief tree chocolate bar. Nobody cyan thief like me!” And the Jamaican said “Mek wi go back to de store. Mi aguh show yuh a real thief.” They went in and the Jamaican said to the cashier ” yuh want see a magic trick?” The cashier said “sure”. “Hand mi a chocolate bar” he ate it. “Hand mi a next one” he ate it. “Hand mi another one deh” he ate it. ” But sir where’s the magic?” Said the cashier. The Jamaican man said ” check di Guyanese pockets, you aguh find dem “

      • infiniteimprobabilit
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:00 pm | Permalink

        Oh, nice bit of one-upmanship!

      • infiniteimprobabilit
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

        Talking of which, a small totally bald guy is chatting with his friends in a pub when a smartass comes up, rubs the bald guy’s head and says “That feels just like my wife’s ass!” And the bald guy feels his own head, thinks for a moment and says “Yes, it really does, doesn’t it?”

        • Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:12 pm | Permalink

          Which reminds me of the joke, which isn’t mine, but is too salacious for this website, that ends with the punchline, “Oh, hello, Vicar! Going hunting again?”

          /@

  38. BigBob
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:04 pm | Permalink

    My humour has got me into hot water sometimes, and was almost fatal on a couple of occasions. I like dry humour you see. Especially when it’s delivered dead-pan. Once my wife and I were on the sea-front; Charmouth in Dorset. She’d bought some sweets and and I quipped something about ‘Bargain Debasement’. She sort of laughed, snorted and swallowed, and began to choke uncontrollably. I laughed until I cried. Another time was in ‘Mistress Quickly’s Tea Room’ in Stratford. I delivered a funny line and wife spluttered tea up the wall. Wish I could remember the line. Something about addressing to the monarch as ‘Your Queen’. Happy days.

  39. NoJoy
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    1. How do you recognize high-class apple eaters? Decorum.
    2. There’s a big difference between having your arm fall asleep and having your arm gnawed off.
    5. There’s very little difference between a dinner party and a Donner Party.

  40. Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:15 pm | Permalink

    Q. How many Rotarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A. Five: one to change the bulb and four to screw up the plaque recording the occasion.

    (Given: Q. What’s the New Zealand idea of foreplay?
    A. Y’awake, love?)

    My contribution:
    Q. What’s the Australian idea of foreplay?
    A. Diddawakeya, love?

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

      roflmfao

    • Hempenstein
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:58 pm | Permalink

      And the first one is so spot-on!

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:07 pm | Permalink

        - which has reminded me of another (not mine):

        “Rotarians are a group of self-made men who meet each week to worship their maker.”

    • Torbjörn Larsson, OM
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 6:42 am | Permalink

      The Norwegian idea of foreplay:

      “What is foreplay?”

      [I'm a Swede, I'm allowed. They reply in kind, naturally.]

  41. Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

    True story:

    Many yeas back, I was in a Kroger looking at the meat section. This vegan confronted me and started yelling at me and calling me all sorts of rude names just because I was looking at the meat.

    I let this go on for a bit before engaging in the following conversation:

    Me: what makes you think you’re any better than me?

    Them: I don’t eat anything living!

    Me: … Um… neither do I…

    Have you ever tried to eat a living New York strip? That shit is dangerous!

    And don’t approach a cow with A1 Steak Sauce… tends to piss them off…

    ————————–

    And yes, that is seriously a true story. That actually happened to me.

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

      “many yeas” should be “many yeaRs”.

      So wish I could edit the post… :(

      • moarscienceplz
        Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:31 pm | Permalink

        That’s OK, I’ll give you many yeas for the story!

    • Hempenstein
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:07 pm | Permalink

      Not a joke, but in parallel to your Kroger encounter, many yrs back while in exile in New Jersey, and in the Foodtown in Highland Park mindlessly contemplating which pre-packaged lunchmeat to pick, some guy appears out of nowhere & in my face wanting to know if I’d accepted (H)Jesus Christ as my personal savior. At such times, one is speechless.

      • Notagod
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 8:36 am | Permalink

        Crackers? Have you looked in aisle 5?

        Thanks, for reminding me! I need to get some baby backs for the BBQ.

  42. Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:30 pm | Permalink

    Why did the author (of WEIT?) eat an ostrich feather?

    It was his nom de plume.

    /@

    PS. Freshly made up.

  43. Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:36 pm | Permalink

    Oh, and here’s one for the Brits, which a friend came out with just ahead of me, while we were arguing over the correct pronunciation of “a small unsweetened or lightly sweetened biscuit-like cake made from flour, fat, and milk and sometimes having added fruit.”

    “It’s a /skəʊn/, until you’ve eaten it, and then it’s /skɒn/.”

    /@

    • ladyatheist
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:09 pm | Permalink

      No, then it’s a bolus!

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:00 am | Permalink

      Ha ha. I am Canadian and pronounce it the British way because my mom is from New Zealand and that’s how I learned it. I am still learning that some of the words I use and pronunciations are different all the time.

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

        Um… both ways are British ways!

        /@

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:50 pm | Permalink

          Really because no one hear says scone with a short “o”. Everyone says it with a long “o”. It’s safe to say that the long “o” is a north american pronunciation.

          • Diana MacPherson
            Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

            *here*. I was thinking about “hearing”. Damn brain!

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

        Yet hair in New Zillin we think /skəʊn/ is a /pəʊʃ/ way of saying /skɒn/.

        • Diana MacPherson
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

          …and Wikipedia says this “According to one academic study, two-thirds of the British population pronounce it /ˈskɒn/ with the preference rising to 99% in the Scottish population. This is also the pronunciation of Australians, Canadians and New Zealanders. Other regions, particularly the United States and Ireland, pronounce the word as /ˈskoʊn/. The pronunciation /ˈskʊn/ is also used, particularly in Ireland. British dictionaries usually show the “con” form as the preferred pronunciation, while recognising that the “cone” form also exists”

          So now I’m wondering if it’s regional in Canada then because in Ontario we say it like Americans. There needs to be a linguistic study on scones!

          • Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:49 pm | Permalink

            Yes, we could highlight regions where each predominated with ellipses (or a similar sconical section).

            /@

  44. Matt G
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 3:55 pm | Permalink

    Q: What did one Canadian geneticist say to the other?

    A: We all have our bears to cross.

    • Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:04 pm | Permalink

      Or the hunters:

      “Does your bear taste OK?”

      “Nah. It’s a bit gristly.”

      /@

      • Torbjörn Larsson, OM
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 6:51 am | Permalink

        D’oh! Didn’t they know that is what happens when they go for Yukon during hunting season?

  45. TomM
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

    Q. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
    A. Oi! Ya keen’t wash yer heends in a buffalo, mate!

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

      Right on!

  46. wildhog
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm | Permalink

    Do you ever wake up in the morning and ask yourself this question?

  47. Posted April 26, 2013 at 4:49 pm | Permalink

    I found this joke elsewhere

    “A group of elderly JFK conspiracy theorists were comparing notes when one of them suddenly had a heart attack. After going through the whole tunnel light scenario he finds himself facing God. He asks “Oh Lord, who really killed JFK?” And God replied “It was Oswald acting alone.” At that point the EMTs were able to jolt him back to life. Later in the hospital with his co-theorists he said in a low voice “The conspiracy is bigger than we thought.””

  48. pktom64
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    Not mine but cute (I find):

    Three old Corsicans* are talking in the shade, sitting on a bench.

    1st One: When I fart, it’s very noisy but it doesn’t smell.
    2nd One: Really? Me, when I fart, it’s smelly but doesn’t make any noise.
    3rd One: For me, it doesn’t smell and doesn’t make any noise


    The two first ones together: Why are you farting then??!!

    * The Corsican thing is a cheap shot at the supposed lazyness of Corsicans… (just ask Napoleon about it)

  49. David Duncan
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:14 pm | Permalink

    Why did the evolutionary biologist cross the road?

    To get to the noms on the other side.

    (Okay, thank you, thank you. That’s enough applause.)

  50. Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:18 pm | Permalink

    Worst joke I’ve ever written: I think any man who forces someone else to raise their children are cuckoo.

    • Matt G
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:52 pm | Permalink

      If this is your worst, then you’re pretty funny!

      • Posted April 29, 2013 at 11:40 am | Permalink

        You know how geese fly in formation? Do you know why one side of the V is always longer than the other?

        Because it has more geese in it.

  51. Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:47 pm | Permalink

    Most of my so-called jokes are just silly word play that kids find amusing and adults tolerate because the kids are happy, but the only jokes (and I’m still using that term lightly!) I can remember making for adults are:

    I’m not promiscuous, I’m celibate; which is to say, I wouldn’t give it away, but I might sell-a-bit.

    and

    Life is a cosmic joke, and death is the
    punch line!

    OK, now you can bring out the long hook while I dodge the tomatoes!

  52. Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:55 pm | Permalink

    Oh, and stealing two “rude jokes from friends:

    Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
    A: Because not many of them like to dance!

    #1: My testicles refuse to speak to each other.
    #2: Why do your testicles refuse to speak to each other?
    #1: Because there’s a vas deferens between them!

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:45 am | Permalink

      Unfortunately that is anatomically incorrect. Sounds good though.

  53. mfdempsey1946
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 6:22 pm | Permalink

    Two goats are eating movies from film cans. One looks at the other and says, “The book was better.”

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

      hahahaha

  54. Diane G.
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:34 pm | Permalink

    A young guy in a souped-up car is speeding down a rural highway when a cop car peels out from behind a billboard and nails him. The cop walks up to the kid’s window and drawls, “Son–I’ve been waiting here all day for you.”

    The kid replies, “Sorry, Officer. I got here as fast as I could!”

  55. Matt G
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:50 pm | Permalink

    Two sperm are swimming along. One says: “I’m exhausted. Do you think we’ve reached the Fallopian tube yet?” The other replies: “Not yet. I think we’re still in the esophagus.”

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:41 am | Permalink

      Were they swimming up or down?

  56. Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:52 pm | Permalink

    I like the Kleenex one quite a bit. And I, Yam, cracks me up.

    It’s not a joke per se, but I did think of this today: Found this on my prescription bottle — “if symptoms persist for more than 10 days, just kill yourself.”

    • Hempenstein
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:09 pm | Permalink

      I read this whole thread looking to find someone giving I, Yam two thumbs up, and now, finally at the end, someone has.

      • Occam
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:07 am | Permalink

        I Yam What I Yam: the Shirley Bassey Cookbook
        (US edition: The Gloria Gaynor Cookbook

  57. Matt G
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    There are two kinds of people in this world: those who know how to finish a thought.

    • ladyatheist
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:28 am | Permalink

      There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:53 am | Permalink

        Not mine… 

        Only dead people and me understand hexadecimal. So, how many people understand hexadecimal?

        deae people.

        /@

        • infiniteimprobabilit
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

          And if you add me, that’s deaf people.

          (This is *terrible* :(

    • pktom64
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:19 am | Permalink

      There are three kinds of people in the world: those who know how to count, and those who don’t.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:37 am | Permalink

      There are only two types of people in the world, those who remember how their jokes end and those who…um…

  58. SA Gould
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:16 pm | Permalink

    Q. How many martial artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. Seven. One to change the bulb and the other six to explain how they do it differently in their system.

    • ladyatheist
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:27 am | Permalink

      Similar to: How many Juilliard students does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to tell the others how their teacher would do it better

      • Occam
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:28 am | Permalink

        How many Creationist does it take to change a light bulb?
        Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.

        How many modal logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
        In which world?

        How many Kuhnian constructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
        You’re still thinking in terms of ‘incremental change’ — what we really need is a paradigm shift…

        • Occam
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:55 am | Permalink

          Just retrieved my all-time favourite lightbulb joke, courtesy of P. Renteln and A. Dundes (Foolproof: A Sampling of Mathematical Folk Humor. Notices of the AMS, Vol. 52/1, 2005):

          How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
          One, if it knows its own Gödel number.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:32 am | Permalink

      Philosophy.

      Q: How many Duellists does it take to change a light bulb.
      A: Uniquely only one.

    • microraptor
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:54 am | Permalink

      Rather than trying to reproduce it here, I’ll just put in a link to Roy Zimmerman’s “Socialist!” which has one of the longest lightbulb jokes I’ve ever heard. (Starts at about 2:30)

      • microraptor
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:55 am | Permalink

        Ah crud, it embedded. I hate trying to link to YouTube pages.

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

      How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

      200: 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 199 to sit in the audience and say, “I could do that!”

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

      How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

      1: She holds the light bulb up to the socket and world revolves around her!

  59. Jackie
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    Rebuttal to that philosopher guy who said “I think, therefore I am”: I stink, therefore I am. (That’s what I say to myself after a long hot day of heavy labour on the farm.)

  60. MikeN
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 9:59 pm | Permalink

    Tolkien joke:

    How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?

    They don’t change it, they just sit around in the dark singing sad songs about The Glory of the Light That Was.

  61. Dale Franzwa
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Permalink

    Anybody ever wonder where Pope Benny got those red shoes he used to wear? On his last world (?) tour, the Good Witch told him: “Should anyone try to arrest you for child molestation, just click your heels together and repeat three times, there’s no place like Rome.”

  62. Posted April 26, 2013 at 11:06 pm | Permalink

    Rick Hansen: No one pushes him around!

  63. Gareth Price
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 11:07 pm | Permalink

    What do Kermit and Miss Piggy do when they spill coffee?

    They muppet up.

  64. Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:16 am | Permalink

    Q: “Why do computer scientists have nine fingers?”

    A: “Zero, one, two, three, four; five, six, seven, eight, nine.”

  65. Graham Martin-Royle
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:22 am | Permalink

    Q/Why do elephants have 4 feet?

    A/They would look bloody stupid with 6 inches.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:25 am | Permalink

      Yeah, six inches is nothing for an elephant.
      It’s only just average for a man.

      • Gokes
        Posted April 28, 2013 at 10:17 am | Permalink

        Mine’s twelve inches, but I don’t use it as a rule.

  66. BillyJoe
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:23 am | Permalink

    When someone’s arguments fail one after the other and they still maintain they are correct, my comment…

    He’s like the man who thinks he’s won because his hair has stopped falling out failing to realise he has gone completely bald.

  67. Don Quijote
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:57 am | Permalink

    My pet mouse Elvis just died. He got caught in a trap.

  68. Bruce
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:32 am | Permalink

    Name of the sweet potato god:

    I Yam Who Yam

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:35 am | Permalink

      or Yamweh!

  69. Diana MacPherson
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Okay one more – but it’s just a situational thing not a joke.

    I was at a wedding years ago in a Catholic church at the priest told everyone not to take pictures because this was “a house of God”. However, there was a professional photographer and he was allowed to take pictures. So, I leaned over to my friends and said, “….because God frowns on amateur photography”. It was fun watching my friends trying to keep from bursting out with laughter.

  70. Vaal
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 8:09 am | Permalink

    A joke I made up in grade 6 or 7:

    What do you call a race between two corpses?

    A: Stiff competition.

    Vaal

  71. microraptor
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    This one came to me as I was sitting in Ecology a couple weeks ago.

    Q: What was the salmon’s response to finding out how human activity had affected his migration?
    A: Dam!

  72. Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for making me chuckle.

  73. docbill1351
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    Fresh out of my fetid brain this morning.

    Things you’d rather not see: the Wizard of Oz, in toto.

  74. js
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    I love you guys

  75. Posted April 28, 2013 at 2:28 am | Permalink

    A friend of mine and I once invented (or so we believe) a brand of wordplay whose archetypal form is: “If a web-footed winged waterfowl were to fly towards you at head height … would you duck a duck?” The form became known in our circle as “double ducks”.

    Entire evenings would be taken up whereby the conversation was heavily dominated the invention of yet more elaborate puns of this nature. This went on for about six months, maybe longer, I didn’t time it.

    Time and memory permit me only to relate a few of the more elaborate ones of these.

    “If you spend too much time eating, drinking and sunbathing in America’s Sunshine State, do you become florider in Florida?”

    “If you inserted a pair of impoverished West European aquatic birds into a liquidiser, can you then pour two poor Portuguese geese?”

    And finally, for today:

    “If you were in a torture chamber, undergoing an inquisition, and to add to your suffering, the torturer played some lugubrious music composed by a Russian romantic composer, would it cause you to cry out: ‘Rack man! Enough Rachmaninov!’?”

  76. Posted April 28, 2013 at 2:43 am | Permalink

    What’s the difference between superstitious and religious?

    The superstitious man crosses his fingers.

    The religious man fingers his cross.

  77. The Blue Aeroplanes
    Posted April 29, 2013 at 7:46 am | Permalink

    Did you hear about the recent documentary, Islam: The Religion of Peace? It bombed, unfortunately.

    My first ever anonymous post here. Sorry, Jerry!

  78. Posted April 30, 2013 at 1:06 am | Permalink

    Another verbal one. Needs a good Glaswegian accent at the end.

    My Scottish grandmother likes to make pasta dishes.

    Does she do it al dente?

    Not really. More [phonetic:] al dan te a crisp.


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