Three jokes I made up

It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m worn out from reading about duck genitals and the pheromones of corn borers all day (required reading for my graduate course on speciation). As a treat (NOT), I’m going to tell you the only three jokes I’ve made up in my life. In return, you’ll tell me any jokes you’ve made up.

Here they are:

1.  Did you hear about the guy who manufactured Kleenex? He was always putting his business in other peoples’ noses.

2. What do French horses eat? Answer: haute cuisine (this is a verbal joke, and you have to pronounce the French correctly).

3. A book to be written:  I, Yam: The Autobiography of a Sweet Potato.

 

I’ll be here all week, folks, and don’t forget to tip the waitress.

 

210 Comments

  1. Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:47 pm | Permalink

    Most of my so-called jokes are just silly word play that kids find amusing and adults tolerate because the kids are happy, but the only jokes (and I’m still using that term lightly!) I can remember making for adults are:

    I’m not promiscuous, I’m celibate; which is to say, I wouldn’t give it away, but I might sell-a-bit.

    and

    Life is a cosmic joke, and death is the
    punch line!

    OK, now you can bring out the long hook while I dodge the tomatoes!

  2. Posted April 26, 2013 at 5:55 pm | Permalink

    Oh, and stealing two “rude jokes from friends:

    Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
    A: Because not many of them like to dance!

    #1: My testicles refuse to speak to each other.
    #2: Why do your testicles refuse to speak to each other?
    #1: Because there’s a vas deferens between them!

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:45 am | Permalink

      Unfortunately that is anatomically incorrect. Sounds good though.

  3. mfdempsey1946
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 6:22 pm | Permalink

    Two goats are eating movies from film cans. One looks at the other and says, “The book was better.”

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

      hahahaha

  4. Diane G.
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:34 pm | Permalink

    A young guy in a souped-up car is speeding down a rural highway when a cop car peels out from behind a billboard and nails him. The cop walks up to the kid’s window and drawls, “Son–I’ve been waiting here all day for you.”

    The kid replies, “Sorry, Officer. I got here as fast as I could!”

  5. Matt G
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:50 pm | Permalink

    Two sperm are swimming along. One says: “I’m exhausted. Do you think we’ve reached the Fallopian tube yet?” The other replies: “Not yet. I think we’re still in the esophagus.”

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:41 am | Permalink

      Were they swimming up or down?

  6. Posted April 26, 2013 at 7:52 pm | Permalink

    I like the Kleenex one quite a bit. And I, Yam, cracks me up.

    It’s not a joke per se, but I did think of this today: Found this on my prescription bottle — “if symptoms persist for more than 10 days, just kill yourself.”

    • Hempenstein
      Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:09 pm | Permalink

      I read this whole thread looking to find someone giving I, Yam two thumbs up, and now, finally at the end, someone has.

      • Occam
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:07 am | Permalink

        I Yam What I Yam: the Shirley Bassey Cookbook
        (US edition: The Gloria Gaynor Cookbook

  7. Matt G
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    There are two kinds of people in this world: those who know how to finish a thought.

    • ladyatheist
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:28 am | Permalink

      There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

      • Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:53 am | Permalink

        Not mine… 

        Only dead people and me understand hexadecimal. So, how many people understand hexadecimal?

        deae people.

        /@

        • infiniteimprobabilit
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

          And if you add me, that’s deaf people.

          (This is *terrible* :(

    • pktom64
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:19 am | Permalink

      There are three kinds of people in the world: those who know how to count, and those who don’t.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:37 am | Permalink

      There are only two types of people in the world, those who remember how their jokes end and those who…um…

  8. SA Gould
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 8:16 pm | Permalink

    Q. How many martial artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A. Seven. One to change the bulb and the other six to explain how they do it differently in their system.

    • ladyatheist
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:27 am | Permalink

      Similar to: How many Juilliard students does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to tell the others how their teacher would do it better

      • Occam
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:28 am | Permalink

        How many Creationist does it take to change a light bulb?
        Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.

        How many modal logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
        In which world?

        How many Kuhnian constructionists does it take to change a light bulb?
        You’re still thinking in terms of ‘incremental change’ — what we really need is a paradigm shift…

        • Occam
          Posted April 27, 2013 at 1:55 am | Permalink

          Just retrieved my all-time favourite lightbulb joke, courtesy of P. Renteln and A. Dundes (Foolproof: A Sampling of Mathematical Folk Humor. Notices of the AMS, Vol. 52/1, 2005):

          How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
          One, if it knows its own Gödel number.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:32 am | Permalink

      Philosophy.

      Q: How many Duellists does it take to change a light bulb.
      A: Uniquely only one.

    • microraptor
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:54 am | Permalink

      Rather than trying to reproduce it here, I’ll just put in a link to Roy Zimmerman’s “Socialist!” which has one of the longest lightbulb jokes I’ve ever heard. (Starts at about 2:30)

      • microraptor
        Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:55 am | Permalink

        Ah crud, it embedded. I hate trying to link to YouTube pages.

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:36 pm | Permalink

      How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

      200: 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 199 to sit in the audience and say, “I could do that!”

    • JBlilie
      Posted April 29, 2013 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

      How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

      1: She holds the light bulb up to the socket and world revolves around her!

  9. Jackie
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    Rebuttal to that philosopher guy who said “I think, therefore I am”: I stink, therefore I am. (That’s what I say to myself after a long hot day of heavy labour on the farm.)

  10. MikeN
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 9:59 pm | Permalink

    Tolkien joke:

    How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?

    They don’t change it, they just sit around in the dark singing sad songs about The Glory of the Light That Was.

  11. Dale Franzwa
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Permalink

    Anybody ever wonder where Pope Benny got those red shoes he used to wear? On his last world (?) tour, the Good Witch told him: “Should anyone try to arrest you for child molestation, just click your heels together and repeat three times, there’s no place like Rome.”

  12. Posted April 26, 2013 at 11:06 pm | Permalink

    Rick Hansen: No one pushes him around!

  13. Gareth Price
    Posted April 26, 2013 at 11:07 pm | Permalink

    What do Kermit and Miss Piggy do when they spill coffee?

    They muppet up.

  14. Posted April 27, 2013 at 12:16 am | Permalink

    Q: “Why do computer scientists have nine fingers?”

    A: “Zero, one, two, three, four; five, six, seven, eight, nine.”

  15. Graham Martin-Royle
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:22 am | Permalink

    Q/Why do elephants have 4 feet?

    A/They would look bloody stupid with 6 inches.

    • BillyJoe
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:25 am | Permalink

      Yeah, six inches is nothing for an elephant.
      It’s only just average for a man.

      • Gokes
        Posted April 28, 2013 at 10:17 am | Permalink

        Mine’s twelve inches, but I don’t use it as a rule.

  16. BillyJoe
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:23 am | Permalink

    When someone’s arguments fail one after the other and they still maintain they are correct, my comment…

    He’s like the man who thinks he’s won because his hair has stopped falling out failing to realise he has gone completely bald.

  17. Don Quijote
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 3:57 am | Permalink

    My pet mouse Elvis just died. He got caught in a trap.

  18. Bruce
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:32 am | Permalink

    Name of the sweet potato god:

    I Yam Who Yam

    • Diana MacPherson
      Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:35 am | Permalink

      or Yamweh!

  19. Diana MacPherson
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Okay one more – but it’s just a situational thing not a joke.

    I was at a wedding years ago in a Catholic church at the priest told everyone not to take pictures because this was “a house of God”. However, there was a professional photographer and he was allowed to take pictures. So, I leaned over to my friends and said, “….because God frowns on amateur photography”. It was fun watching my friends trying to keep from bursting out with laughter.

  20. Vaal
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 8:09 am | Permalink

    A joke I made up in grade 6 or 7:

    What do you call a race between two corpses?

    A: Stiff competition.

    Vaal

  21. microraptor
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    This one came to me as I was sitting in Ecology a couple weeks ago.

    Q: What was the salmon’s response to finding out how human activity had affected his migration?
    A: Dam!

  22. Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for making me chuckle.

  23. docbill1351
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 2:37 pm | Permalink

    Fresh out of my fetid brain this morning.

    Things you’d rather not see: the Wizard of Oz, in toto.

  24. js
    Posted April 27, 2013 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    I love you guys

  25. Posted April 28, 2013 at 2:28 am | Permalink

    A friend of mine and I once invented (or so we believe) a brand of wordplay whose archetypal form is: “If a web-footed winged waterfowl were to fly towards you at head height … would you duck a duck?” The form became known in our circle as “double ducks”.

    Entire evenings would be taken up whereby the conversation was heavily dominated the invention of yet more elaborate puns of this nature. This went on for about six months, maybe longer, I didn’t time it.

    Time and memory permit me only to relate a few of the more elaborate ones of these.

    “If you spend too much time eating, drinking and sunbathing in America’s Sunshine State, do you become florider in Florida?”

    “If you inserted a pair of impoverished West European aquatic birds into a liquidiser, can you then pour two poor Portuguese geese?”

    And finally, for today:

    “If you were in a torture chamber, undergoing an inquisition, and to add to your suffering, the torturer played some lugubrious music composed by a Russian romantic composer, would it cause you to cry out: ‘Rack man! Enough Rachmaninov!’?”

  26. Posted April 28, 2013 at 2:43 am | Permalink

    What’s the difference between superstitious and religious?

    The superstitious man crosses his fingers.

    The religious man fingers his cross.

  27. The Blue Aeroplanes
    Posted April 29, 2013 at 7:46 am | Permalink

    Did you hear about the recent documentary, Islam: The Religion of Peace? It bombed, unfortunately.

    My first ever anonymous post here. Sorry, Jerry!

  28. Posted April 30, 2013 at 1:06 am | Permalink

    Another verbal one. Needs a good Glaswegian accent at the end.

    My Scottish grandmother likes to make pasta dishes.

    Does she do it al dente?

    Not really. More [phonetic:] al dan te a crisp.


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